Liar Pigs

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Apocalypto

The planets have aligned. The stars are in synchronous orbit. The earth is still in an equinox state. A Portal has formed in my home. It is possible the very Gates of Hell will open. Fucking Stargate, The Fifth Element, The Four Horsemen, all that shit is coming down. It is here.

What is the cause and yet the very creation of these apocalyptic conditions you ask? It is the most random of occurrences that may signal the end of existence, The Furor, Fashion Show, and my female Maltese have achieved menstrual synchronization. A human-canine estrogen explosion. Worlds are colliding.

The house is like a strange vortex, and I expect Rod Serling at every turn. If my house was ever haunted, those fucking ghosts are long gone. My male dog is a nervous wreck and likes it under the couch, my son is pretty much barricaded in his room or out of the house. A rare wise move from Robotman Jr.

I, on the other hand have to navigate this Science Fiction Horror Show like Mad Max or the Omega Man. Or maybe more like Eddie. I’m on day one of this ordeal and it seems like eons have gone by. I tread carefully, quietly and am praying regularly as I await the Dark Age to pass while avoiding Time Tunnels or Wormholes around the house. Escaping a Borg Cube would be a cakewalk.

I do have a light at the end of the tunnel. Next week my friend Nytefall is visiting from Bumfuck upstate New York and we are going to see Iron Maiden, whose lyrics by the way, are mild compared to the week that lays ahead of me.

If I survive I hope to be posting about whatever burnt out shit Nytefall does on his visit. I am, and shall always be, the Robotman.

Wife 1.0

So sorry for the lack of updates.......since updating this blog is not something I really do at home, I just started a new job about 2 weeks ago and I am currently figuring out my free time to get important stuff, like blogging and fantasy sports, done on company time.

Here is an email someone sent me that is great for the blog, if you have read this already, too fucking bad:

>To Technical Support:

Subject: Software problems.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.5, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some other of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on this program. Can you help me?

Thanks

> Tech Support writes back:

This is a very common problem that men complain about and is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creators to run everything. It's unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden Operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with even more problems. Look in the manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause! The best solution in this case is to enter the command C:\Apologize. In any case, avoid excessive use of the Escape key because ultimately you will have to give the C:\Apologize command before the operating system returns to normal. In closing, I might state that Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend programs such as Flowers 2.1 and Expensive Dinner 5.0 with continuous upgrades. In fact, some applications such as New Car 2.0 and Vacation 3.5 can remedy some of the worst cases of Wife 1.0. DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 or Fishing Weekend 6.0!! These applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and are likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck

Tech Support

Pillsbury Assassin

It’s been awhile since my last post for a few reasons. After “The Message” I was artistically drained, work has been a pain in my ass the last couple of weeks with barely anytime to surf or write, and at home, in between dealing with the family, I have been playing Civilization IV like a fucking crack addict to prepare to join my geek friends in an online game.

I’m thinking my wife may really hate me. This past Saturday the kids are out and I’m playing Civilization IV with Alexander the Great kicking my ass. The Furor says she will make hot cinnamon rolls for me so I can eat while I play. Ahh, domestic bliss. A little while later she comes over with milk and three warm cinnamon rolls. I inhale the first one while my Redcoats are struggling to hold off Greek forces from taking London. Yummy.

I pick up the second one as a dozen or so Greek Elephant Brigades are filing into London. This one I bite gently and feel the bottom a little hard, and think it may be a little burnt or something so I bite down hard. Immediate pain shoots through my teeth, I have a dental bridge so it was extra shattering, and also feel something slice my tongue. I pull the cinnamon roll away, blood coming out of my mouth. I guess the scream got The Furors attention as she was walking over as I looked at the bottom of the cinnamon role and I now see the top of a can securely affixed to it. Barely able to speak, I point to the can top so my wife can see it. Laughing, she claims it was an “accident”. The top of the Pillsbury can must have gotten stuck “somehow” she claims. I look over to my PC and London has fallen to the Greeks. Both London and I are hurt, bleeding, and lost.

Shortly thereafter, while picking up Fashion Show, I tell her about the incident. She giggles and says that she doesn’t “think “ The Furor is trying to kill or maim me. She then mentions that at least there are cinnamon rolls at home to munch on, and I tell her it was only one can and we ate them. This information, unlike the information concerning my injury and worries, gets her upset. Right then my wife calls and tells me to stop and get another can of cinnamon roll mix. A little later they sat with my son and his girlfriend eating cinnamon rolls and having a good laugh. My tongue hurts and the Greeks take York. I am the Robotman.

Barbie is 50!

Sacopapa reporting for duty. It's been a while folks and I know most of you are busy as hell trying to keep your shitty jobs. At least we have shitty jobs to keep us employed. Anyway I want to throw this one out there for all the guys that have daughters.

My Mojonsita loves Barbies and wants to get the new doll. This fucking doll is 50 years old and still popular as hell. To compliment her 50th Birthday Bash, I want to share with all of you her newest video. If you care about your kid you'll never buy her one, it's like feeding Crack to a Crack head! Once they start, they don't want to stop getting them. Anyway, enjoy!!!

Sacopapa out!