Failing at the (blog) job

Trying to get back on track......so a couple of months ago I was filling this blog up with some regular posts. New job......no more down time....now what? This was not something I did at home. It is safe to say that my wife will not be happy if I am too busy to change my son's shit filled diaper because I am posting negative crap about our life.

Even though my new job has me more satisfied, there is still plenty of morons, dickheads, and assholes for me to get some inspiration from. Hell I can start right here! It's not like I was the only one fucking posting, why didn't the other guys grab the bull by the horns and continue to post!
Fucking fags.

Anyway, this all leads to the fact that I gotta figure something out to get back into the swing of things. As of today, I promise to figure something out so I can be blog master general again.

.....and since we had that nasty toe pic up for so long, here is a perfect bud.

Wife 1.0

So sorry for the lack of updates.......since updating this blog is not something I really do at home, I just started a new job about 2 weeks ago and I am currently figuring out my free time to get important stuff, like blogging and fantasy sports, done on company time.

Here is an email someone sent me that is great for the blog, if you have read this already, too fucking bad:

>To Technical Support:

Subject: Software problems.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.5, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some other of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on this program. Can you help me?

Thanks

> Tech Support writes back:

This is a very common problem that men complain about and is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creators to run everything. It's unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden Operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with even more problems. Look in the manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause! The best solution in this case is to enter the command C:\Apologize. In any case, avoid excessive use of the Escape key because ultimately you will have to give the C:\Apologize command before the operating system returns to normal. In closing, I might state that Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend programs such as Flowers 2.1 and Expensive Dinner 5.0 with continuous upgrades. In fact, some applications such as New Car 2.0 and Vacation 3.5 can remedy some of the worst cases of Wife 1.0. DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 or Fishing Weekend 6.0!! These applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and are likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck

Tech Support

Slow time & the lame duck

Pink Floyd has this song called Time(off of the Darkside of the Moon Album), the song has a long intro that sounds like a ton of clocks ticking away, getting louder and louder.......while it is a very cool intro, that is the sound I hear everyday in head lately at work.

You see, about a week and half ago I gave notice at my job. And 'by notice' I mean that I told them they can only torture me for another 2 weeks then I am onto (what I hope will be) greener pastures. Needless to say, I have been hating my job for quite a while and every second spent here drags.......but ever since I gave them my notice, time has been moving in fucking super slow motion. I hear every second tick in my head.....and the tick and tocks just get louder in my head.

Everything angers me more now in this 'lame duck' work existance I am in. To those who do not know, I am in the Auto industry, trying to sell cars. On Tuesday, this old bag comes in to check out some cars. She has no fucking clue what she wants.....she was probably close to seventy years old, and her husband was another fossil with a cane and a long ZZ Top type beard. She turned to him and said "Howard" (but she pronounced it 'how-wed')"Do we like heated seats? I don't know if we like heated seats. Does little Susie's car have heated seats? I can't remember....maybe I will like it. Do I have to learn how to use it? If it gets too hot, will it burn?" Then the How-wed the fossil replis, "I can't remember if little Susie's car has heated seats. I think her first car had them, but I am not sure....should we call her on the phone?" At that moment. I wanted to take a shotgun and blast both of their heads off. Boom! Headshot! Boom! Headshot!

I do not want to go on a test drive, I do not want to negotiate prices, I do not want to explain how not making your payments makes your credit worse, I do not want to keep explaining how having a bankruptcy and a repo on your credit report is a negative, and I could give a shit if little Susie's car has heated seats.
I hate being a 'lame duck' at work as it has made the final two weeks that much more grueling.....but at least I will not be here on Monday.

Man decapitates Wife

Massive.

An incredible story....and it's true. I know I have not posted in a while(and this one will be short), but I had to share this story with everyone.

According to CNN, this guy beheaded his wife then went to the police station to confess. The article says his wife filed for divorce on January 6th....he was arrested this past Thursday(in Ochard Park, NY).

Let me point out two more very amusing points about this story. First off this fucking guy is a founder of Bridges TV, an english language cable channel for Muslims living in the USA. The channels purpose: to balance the negative portrayals of Muslims ever since 9/11. Way to lead by example, you fucking wannabe terrorist. I have a gut feeling that was not your first decapitation!

Second, the guy's name is Muzzammil Hassan. We have a guy who slices his wife head off and his name is Hassan, HA ha! You know Hassan, as in "Hassan Chop!!" from the Bugs Bunny cartoon. How fittingly classic. I bet she was bitching about getting divorce papers signed, he could't take it anymore, and screamed "Hassan chop!!", grabbed a sword off the wall, and her head rolled.

Open sasperilla.....open sesawho.....open saschatuwan.....(check 1:18 of linked video, awesome)

January's Post of Month....a little late.

I was going to award a post of the month at the end of each month....but I forgot so I am taking care of this now. To be clear, I am not using any web analytics(page views, hits, traffic, etc...) to determine this....I will be going with whatever post I think amused us the most.

Our first post of the month goes to:

'Elvis has left the Building' by Sacopapa

Congrats, to Sacopapa. After getting input from numerous readers it seems that both 10 Items or less and The Enabler were also well received but nothing is funnier than reading about Sacopapa's father-in-law trying to cut his own shit with a butter knife....fucking classic.

Hooking up with Erin Andrews

So the other morning as I left my house for work, Erin Andrews(you know, the reporter chick from ESPN that covers lots of college sports), pulled up and asked me if I would help her research a special report on College Tailgating. She then asked if I would be available for some candle light dinner afterwards.....

wait.....that wasn't exactly how my morning went, let me adjust it slightly:

So this morning I need to wake up at 7:15am, but my wife would like the alarm set for 6:30 as she would like to get to work earlier than normal. Fine. I set the alarm for 6:30, at 7:15 I get out of bed as I have been hitting the snooze since 6:30 for my wife who is still in bed----the final precious 45 minutes of sleep were ruined.

Shower time: all is normal as I get out of the shower to dry myself. Then it happens......the urge to take a massive shit takes over my body. While I know that taking a dump can be quite the relief, there are few things I hate more than taking a shit immediately after a shower. Fuck! And I knew it wasn't a 'healthy shit' if you know what I mean--I knew this shit was gonna come out at speeds that would rival a Nolan Ryan fastball. I obviously could not fight it, so on to the bowl I sat.

So I get my 10 month old son together, drop him off at the in-laws, and head out to work. While driving to work my wife calls me with no real purpose(she may have mentioned that she was in traffic, I can't really remember right now). Then it happened. Flashing lights behind me, a fucking cop is pulling me over. I quickly hang up the phone and get my paperwork ready before the cop gets to my window. The cop says to me, "Do you know why I am pulling you over? Speaking on a cell phone is a primary offense in New Jersey." He never gave me a chance to answer his initial question. Why fucking ask me if I knew I knew why he was pulling me over, if you are going to not let me answer, dickhead. I hand him my paperwork and he goes to his car to write me up a ticket, not for a second did I think he was gonna give me a break. He comes back, explains how I can mail in the fine and he goes on his merry way. Not a single word from me in the entire process. So at least I can get pissed at my wife for calling me right? Wrong again. She has mentioned to me to get in the habit of using my cell's speakerphone--so I can't even unleash on her as she will have the ammo to strike back.

I get to work and I want to quickly get on my pc to find out how much the ticket will be. One of my co-workers has switched my pc's wallpaper to this, the fucking guy thinks he is a comedian. There he was trying to goof on my Cuban background......but I did find it funny. So at least I had a smile on my face when I found out the ticket would be for a whopping $133!

Then at work shit went horrible....but let's just say I should have gone to help research the College Tailgating Report.

Desk lunches

So this year's SuperBowl has given me yet another reason that I fucking hate my job. You see, I work in the auto business.....and as most people know sales are down big time. In the last year, the amount of sales people we have working at my place has been virtually cut in half(and this wasn't a huge place to begin with). So when you have a small group of people to pull from it begins to get much more difficult to fill up a simple SuperBowl Box pool.

For the few of you who do not know what this pool is, go fuck yourself and live in this website, as I will not explain something that should be common knowledge. Typically, I am in at least 4 or 5 pools....this year-not one! Is it the economy??? No work pool, or even other people calling me up to be in one!

I do not need the pool to get me psyched for the game, I love football and my Steelers are in, but the fact that I do not have a work SuperBowl Box pool is reason #165 why I hate my job. Ever since we have been going with a skeleton crew, I can't even leave for lunch. Leaving for lunch used to be the best part of the day. Even deciding where to go for lunch was enjoyable. But now, if I leave for lunch it's a big fucking issue as I end up leaving the workplace understaffed. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. Now I eat at my desk., like a fucking loser.

When you eat at your desk, you still have to deal with work crap. Phone, idiot customers, and other employees. For the most part, the guys I work with are all ok, but I am here from 9am until 8pm......a one hour brake would do us all fine.

As I read this post over, I find that it is not very funny at all, in fact, it is so true that it depresses the shit outta me. If anyone has a decent job out there for me, let me know. Until then, let me leave you with my prediction: Pittsburgh 27 Arizona 13. Go Steelers.

Hurry, hurry, step right up.....

So the other day my wife asks me if I think it would be a good idea to take our son to Ringling Bros & Barnum Bailey Circus for his one year birthday this March, as the circus will be in town. Personally, I can not see how a one year old will enjoy the circus, he just is not old enough yet--I could be wrong, after all, what the fuck do I know---but I bet he will enjoy it as much as seeing the crappy NJ Nets.....and at least I like to see the Nets. So I tell her that I do not think it would be a good idea and I explain to her my reasons. So that's that.

Not really.

About 30 minutes later she calls me over by the computer and tells me she can get second row tickets for seventy bucks. That's $70 each, and that's before all of the bullshit ticketmaster charges, so we are likely talking a number just north of $150. Then she asks, "Should I buy these right now?"
Dear God(or any other fictional being from the heavens), please give me the strength.
She knows the answer, but she is asking me again. In fact, she went searching for the tickets after she asked and knew my opinion was that this was not a good idea. Why even bother asking me? Asking me would insinuate that my answer matters......when clearly.......it...does........not.

Bottom line is this: she wants to do this and thinks it's a good idea. I am beaten down, well-trained, an enabler, and I know that my opinion matters little when she thinks differently. So do I battle her with my logic, create a fuss, and ask her why she is searching for tickets when she knew I did not think it was a good idea or do I give it my blessing in an effort to bring peace to the home.

Call me a wimp, call me what you will.....but I hope the elephants do not shit too close to me.

Ticket please...

So I am a huge sports fan, and while my wife may hate me, she actually likes sports--and that's works out well for us. Ever since our son was born(a mere 10 months ago) going to sporting events has become a bit trickier......but in the last two weeks, I have gone to the Meadowlands twice to see my crappy NJ Nets with my wife and son.

The first time we went, everything went fairly well except having to park near Giant Stadium---making it a big trek to the Izod Arena(not that I am used to calling it the Izod Arena....honestly, I still refer to it as Brendan Byrne, which was a couple of names ago). The fucking arena is only 60% full and they send us to Giant Stadium to park??? What the fuck! Anyway, my son behaved, we had a good time, and the Nets even won and Beyonce brought some friends. I did have the long trek back to the car, in freezing weather, while carrying my wrapped and bundled up son, but I left enjoying the experience. Very cool.

Now on to my second visit: we do not get there as early, but yet we can park near the arena(and they seemed to have a bigger crowd, so who the fuck can guess at the parking logic)---great start as we zip right in to the arena. As we are showing are tickets to get in, the ticket collecter that puts the red light over the barcode of the ticket says to me:

"Anything one day or more needs a ticket."

I say: "What?" she says: "Anything one day or more needs a ticket."

Not understanding what the fuck she is talking about, I say: "What do you mean, if 'what' is one day or more?"

She replies, "The baby, if the baby is one day or more, he needs a ticket."

You fucking cunt of a woman. She uses the word 'anything' to refer to my son! My son is not a thing!

Part of any incompetence in public I deal with also includes me keeping my wife calm. She tends to flip out with incompetent workers like this ticket-collecting bitch. I think the best way get things resolved is to stay calm and reason with people(most of the time). Now if this ticket-collecting idiot would have said that everyone needs a ticket, that's one thing, but she actually feels that a newborn of less than 24 hours might come to an event.....fucking idiot.

So I say, "Older than one day? So if my wife would have gone through labor today, my son would be allowed in without a ticket?"

After a blank look and a pause she says, "Those are rules." My wife screams, "Those are NOT the rules, the rules state anyone 24 months and younger are allowed in without a ticket!"

Ticket-collecting whore smugly says, "That's for Disney events."

Wife rips back, "That's for ALL Izod events!" Ticket-bitch, not giving a shit, says, "Then you need a supervisor."

Quote from the Izod Center website:

AGE POLICY For ALL events at IZOD CENTER, patrons who are 2 years of age or older must have a valid ticket to gain admission.

My wife is on the warpath. She had checked the website and knew the info, she knew we did not need a ticket for our son.....her gun was loaded. In the next a couple of minutes(while trying to get a so called supervisor), we argued about her staying calm, while I told her to let me do the talking(that's me thinking reason would prevail). We speak to a couple of people, no one knows the god damn rules. Un-fucking-believable. They have us wait, while different supervisor-types have conferences and mull our situation over. My wife was spewing venom as we were waiting, while I was telling her to stay calm and act reasonable.

One guy ends up coming over and says, "Sir, you should enter through the other entrance....your seats are closer to that entrance." None of them knew the rules, so they told me to use a different ticket-collector. Pathetic, but we go right on through. So we sent an email the next day to let them know how shitty their employees are.......but that will be another post as that saga is ongoing.

Oh, and the Nets lost this time......and Beyonce was not there.

The Wank

So I know this guy, we'll call him Greg for our purposes, that took a nice trip to Ireland with his wife this past summer. Even though they were going to visit some of the wife's family, they decided to stay at a resort. That way, they would not have to rely on any favors from family and they could enjoy the luxuries that some of these fancy resorts offer. Nice set up with two weeks off from the rat race.

So one of the luxuries that they wanted to enjoy was the spa. Typically more of a chick-type thing to enjoy, but since Greg never had a massage before, this seemed like a perfect time. She wanted to do one of those 'couple's treatments' that include facials, massage, body wraps, and some other bullshit. That sounded like a big fucking hassle so Greg took the massage and his wife did that big treatment thing.

Since Greg has never had a massage, he was a little nervous about things. He knew he would have to strip down.....what if the masseuse was a guy!?!? Oofa.....that seems quite gay. What if it was a mega-hot babe? Now that sounds cool. But what about happy endings, we have all heard about that---do those things really happen, or do they just happen at those Asian offices hidden behind Adult Novelty Stores?? What if he does not get aroused, what then? Obviously, he was over thinking this whole thing. So he made the appointment and off he went.

So he gets there and gets introduced to the masseuse.......the big moment...female, young, and attractive. He kind of described her like that chick in X-Men(Rogue), who is now in True-blood, Anna Paquin.

--On a quick note, it is interesting to think of Rogue from the X-Men as a masseuse. Since her mutant ability is that of power absorption through touch, she could single-handedly destroy the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants with a big massage session.--

So Anna begins the massage and everything is going fine, in fact it is quite relaxing. Then she asks him to flip over. While lieing on his back, Anna works his legs......above the knee. As much as Greg was trying not to think about 'it', he felt it move.....he was getting aroused and big boner-city was around the corner! He began to panic as he thought things could become very awkward. Then something happened...she noticed! Greg told me his heart raced........Anna noticed the 'penis-starting-to-get-hard-movement' beneath the towel, looked up at him, smiled, and in her fantastic Irish accent asked, "Do you wanna wank?"

Holy shit! Could this be true?!?! Anna Paquin was offering to jerk him off in the secrecy of this room! Was this normal for her or was he special? Who gives a fuck, he thought. So he quickly tried to collect himself, hoping to sound calm and cool, and said, "Uhh, yeah.......ok." Realizing he did not sound cool at all. Anna responds by saying, "No problem, I'll be back in two minutes."

At this point, Greg is doing cart wheels while raising the flag at the center of Boner-City.

So there he laid waiting for 'the wank'...fucking fantastic. Was she getting special masseuse jerk-off oil? Maybe some special aphrodisiac-aroma thing? Who the fuck knows, who the fuck cares, but Anna Paquin is gonna polish the trombone.

After a few minutes goes by, he hears her gently opening the door........Greg looks over as the door opens, Anna pops her head in and asks, "So are you finished?"

Boner-City was quickly miles away.

The Enabler

As I look down at the bottom of pants and see how they have become wet and messy from going through a puddle, I think to myself: Sometimes you just gotta take a step back and look at yourself. I have been beaten down so hard by marriage that at times I think I am a different person.
I used to be a rebel, I would challenged authority every chance I got. Not only was I looking to push my own limits, but I tried to lead those around me to push their own. I was aggressive and would take chances. I strived to be different and lived for the moment.
Now....now I am satisfied if I can play my videogame once a week. I spend my time making sure I do not get my wife angry, whatever decision can keep relations going smoothly, count me in. Even if it is something I disagree with, I will do it for peace at the home. How fucking lame is that??!?! Typically we rant on things we have very little control of, but here, I rant on my self as I AM AN ENABLER!
If I say 'one plus one equals two', and my wife says 'No it doesn't it equals three!' My response is, 'OK, I am wrong it equals three'.
Even though I know that it does equal two, that information is not relevant. The only detail that does matter, is that she believes it equals three. The fact that I know something is utterly meaningless. But that is me--the enabler--agreeing to anything if it can end a disagreement. Even as I write this I can not believe how fucking weak that is. It puts me in shitty situations......like having the bottom of my pants all wet and messy.

You see, one day while shopping with my wife she forces me to purchase some clothing. Let me say that it is a good thing she forces me to purchase clothes, as it is not something I look to do. So I need some pants for work, and fortunately I know my exact length. I have not really grown in 20 years, so I know my pants are a 32" length. So I grab two pairs of pants and say 'I am ready, let's go.' Not so fast........she insists on analyzing the situation. Ugh. I just want to go home. Then she checks them, uh oh, she points out that the ones I picked out are the wrong size, I would need at least a 34" length. I tell her I need a 32", she explains how her brother is shorter than I am and he always wears a 32" length, so I need to have something longer. I try to explain how her brother will wear his pants in a wigger-like fashion and I do not. Even though all of her jeans fit great, this explanation does not go over to well so I am faced with a situation: 1)either argue about the length of pants or 2)take the much too long pants, have no arguement, go home, and suffer through having pants that are too long.

So I confess, I am an enabler........and my pants are too long.

Awesome, awesome beer commercial

I think I'm funny

So during the holidays this past month I had to go out to dinner with some of my wife's highschool friends. Decent enough people but we very rarely see them so my wife wants me to be 'normal' for one night.(Needless to say defining normal is a post unto itself, maybe some other time) For the most part, she does not trust me(no surprise, huh?) in mixed company. For me to be trusted, I need to be within her eyesight, sober, and not speaking. If those requirements are met, her special little hatred for me greatly lessens.

Meatloaf said that two outta three ain't bad, so I will go with that: definetly within her eyesight, only two drinks(when I say two, I mean two times that she witnessed me order & finish a drink, regardless of how many I did or did not have, her count should be at two) which makes me sober, but I surely had to speak. So two for three has me in decent shape, and because of this I can honestly say that things went as smooth as I can hope. Her friends are mixed company so I have more of a buffer zone........but my friends are more like family so she tends to break out the claws a little more in front of them. But tonight it was her friends, combine that with 'two outta three' and things did go as good as I can hope. Remember, don't think I get laid or anything after dinner and drinks, but like I said, things went as good as I can hope.

So let's get back to me speaking, which gets me to why 'I think I'm funny'. So the guys are sitting on one side of the table which gave me a little more freedom--pretty cool. To my right sits down a very nice guy(much nicer than me I am sure), but I do not see much in common. For starters, he ordered a diet coke. A diet coke? "Be sure not to trip on your skirt as you get into the car." Here we are at one of these fancy type Hibachi places looking to unwind and you order a diet coke?? But that doesn't make him a bad guy, who knows the guy may be a recovering alcoholic or even worse, maybe his wife hates him.....or maybe something I can not even think of. Let me hit the next typical guy topic, sports. I know my four major sports, conversation will not be a problem. He tells me he does not follow any sport...oofa! No booze, no sports.....things are getting rough. I know, music is always the answer, right? Wrong. He claims he works 80 hours a week and has no time for music. What the fuck am I gonna do!? He then asks about my 9 month old son since he has a 7 month old. It did not even cross my mind to use my son for mixed company chit chat....way to go junior! So we exchange baby stories and I learn that he is a great guy and a good father. Not that I will invite him over to drink beer and watch the AFC Championship, but a good guy nonetheless.

So he asks me, "What do you think about being a father? Do you like it?"

I reply, "Like it, I love being a father, ever since my son was born I finally have someone in the house who likes me!"

I think I'm funny.

My Wife Hates Me....

....really she does. I know to some that may sound insane, but to others it may ring so true. And let me be clear: I do not hate my wife......it's just that she hates me. Actually, I find her ability to exist day to day with me quite amazing.

I know I am incapable of co-existing with someone I hate, but she gets it done. I marvel at her perseverance. Think about it, do you think you could live your life, day in & day out with someone you hate? I didn't think so. She is sort of masochist or something.

Could it be that some of the fault is mine? I guess so.......but most of the time I do not even know what will get her angry. One time she got fucking furious with me because the inside of the garbage bag got tomato sauce on it. Mind you, the garbage is bag is inside one of those kitchen garbage cans(see pic, right). I did not get a drop of sauce on the actual can---I am talking about the bag that goes inside! I was fucking cleaning of a plate of spaghetti! I challenge you to keep your garbage clean. How the hell was I supposed to guess that tomato sauce touching the inner wall of a garbage bag was the wrong thing to do?

Like I said, and I did not stutter, my wife hates me........really she does.

Launch Date will be January 1, 2009

My Wife Hates Me will launch on January 1, 2009. My team & I will let you know about all that is difficult in all of our lives and relationships. Until then, enjoy this clip of one of the greatest ranters of our time, George Carlin, talk about "stuff".