What?!! No Hot Water??!!

Sacopapa reporting for duty. Yes, it's been a while and shit is no different around my house. This past weekend the Water Heater took a shit. You will love this fucked up story. The pilot had shut off while Queen Sheba was taking a bath. I know all you guys have heard it " Babe!! There is no Hot Water!!" So I walk in the bathroom and she is giving me the Jedi stare, I immediately hit the deck thinking she is going to strike me down with a fucking Lightsaber.
She started to talk and all I heard was " There is no Hot water". The the rest of the conversation went to a Charlie Brown mumble, "Muaw, muaw, muawmuaw" "Blah, blah blah". I rolled my eyes and walked out, I think I flipped her off when I walked out of the bathroom. I Obviously flipped her off behind her back or I'll have no pussy for a least a whole month.

Round One: I went into the garage and see that the pilot is off. Saco to the rescue! I tried to start the pilot at least 5 times with no luck. so I called the number on the tank. The call center is in India, " fuck me!". I don't need to tell you how the conversation went as all of you have experienced this 3rd World Nation Call. By the time I hung up, the rep had given me a replacement part ID, so that I could go to Lowes and get a free replacement. Now it's like 9 at night and the fucking store is closed. I went back the next day and the fucking Monkeys at the customer care desk advised me that I was number 2500 of fucking idiots like me looking for the same fucking part.

Round2: So I called back my friend in India. Happy Happy Joy joy! The rep this time told me he would ship a replacement part overnight. It's Day 2 and we have no hot water. Whatever, I told Rock Hudson, send it. Not sure if you knew this, but whenever you call a call center in India, all the reps give each other movie star names. This fucker picked the worst Butt Bandit name in the History of Hollywood.

Round 3: It's now Saturday and the part is not here. Mean while, I need to take the Family to the Car Dealer to get a new car. That shit took over 5 hours to complete. I come back and the box is outside my door. Queen Sheba automatically gets excited and say "Warm Shower Tonight" I'm thinking" Golden shower Tonight!". I took the box went to the garage and started to replace the defective part. It's now 7:00 at night PST time and the shit is not working. I called Rock Hudson back and I hear the most disturbing recording you could ever hear "The offices are now closed and will open on Monday". My fucking jaw dropped and I threw my wrenches out the fucking garage. Fuck me, now I have to wait till Monday! You can just imagine the look Wifey gave me when I told her the bad news. Oh well at this time, I didn't care if I went without pussy for an eternity.

Round 4: Well, we made it through the weekend. Mass boiling of water and Saco taking cold ass shower like a refugee. I called Rock Hudson, he tells me he doesn't know what the problem is. I wanted to come out the other side of the phone and shove my shoe so far up his ass that I wanted him to burp shoe polish for a year. He transfer me to another department.

Round 5: Holyshit, it's an American!!! Thank god for Good Ol' USA #1. This bitch from Tennesse tells me that the part that was sent to me, was not the right part that was defective. I hope Rock Hudson eats a bad Radish and shit worms for a whole month!! She tells me that she will be shipping out the new part over night. I thanked her and then told Queen Sheba the news. I still get the Darth Vader chocking look! Oh well, my getting laid days are now stretching. Fuck it!

Round 6 and final Round: The shipment came via UPS overnight. What does that mean? It means the package is being handled by some fucking Highschool drop out who thinks the world owes him an explanation as to why he's a fucking looser. If anyone of you know how Union Worker perform their work, then you know they took their fucking time getting me this package. I called UPS and the bitch tells me the package is in route and that they have till 7:00 PM to deliver the package. So I tell this bitch, so what is the purpose of having overnight as the package shows up at night and I can't see in the dark. She went silent and said sorry for the inconvenience. I said Fuck you too!
The package showed up at 6:55 PM. I want to shoot this fucking hippie delivering my package. Took all but 15 minutes to place the part and Bingo we have fire!!
This is the kind of shit that happends to me on a daily basis, with my luck the motherfucking Water Heater will go out next week. De Pinga! Sacopapa out!!

The Coporate Perks

The perks. I took a massive hit going on my own. Same as you I lost a ton of perks, yet I could never go back to Corporate World.

Its like the Matrix. Take the red pill and never come back.

Love the fact that I'm doing something my dad never did. Be there for his kids. That means more than the Perks and gives me the strength to keep going.

Bitches? Yeah no more eye candy at work, so we now look forward to milf material. Enjoyable enough to give me new rub material.

Yeah life sucks that is no lie but we can't quit. We're a different bread than the rich assholes you see on a daily basis.

We're the real men and that's why all we have is the kids, milf material and the ol' ball and chain.

Hey, it could be worse!

Barbie is 50!

Sacopapa reporting for duty. It's been a while folks and I know most of you are busy as hell trying to keep your shitty jobs. At least we have shitty jobs to keep us employed. Anyway I want to throw this one out there for all the guys that have daughters.

My Mojonsita loves Barbies and wants to get the new doll. This fucking doll is 50 years old and still popular as hell. To compliment her 50th Birthday Bash, I want to share with all of you her newest video. If you care about your kid you'll never buy her one, it's like feeding Crack to a Crack head! Once they start, they don't want to stop getting them. Anyway, enjoy!!!

Sacopapa out!

Baseball and Titties

Sacopapa reporting for duty. This past Saturday was Sacopapa Juniors first Little League Baseball Game Practice. He was pretty nervous, but over all did great! He was struck out twice, but had a nice save in Center Field. The game ended tied 4 to 4. So not bad for both teams.

I had always heard of Hot Moms going to Little League games and being all horny around all the dads. I thought it was a myth. Apparently not! I was watching little Mojonsita in the playground while I watched Sacopapa Junior from a distance. Out of no where a HOT MOM appeared. She had a sweat suit on, but underneath, she had the body of a goddess. Her Boobs were the size of my head and super small waist with an ass of a Brazilian Volley ball player.

She had her son and her kid started to play with Mojonsita. Fucking awesome, what a way to break the ice! I started talking to her and what a freak. If I was a scumbag, I could have probably hit that in the field. The mom had no shame in her game and I only hope to get digits next time I see her.

Anyway, if you are a Dad and have a son, PLEASE I encourage you to sign them up for Little League and make sure you go to all the games without your Battle Axe, Or as I prefer to call them, Ye Ol' Ball and Chain. You never know what can happen at these games. Until then, Sacopapa out!!

The big Snip

Sacopapa reporting for duty. Sorry this story is long but I need to share this. I finally decided to get a Vasectomy and let me tell you, it’s no joke! First I had to take a class with about 20 other guys that wanted their balls snipped right away. The class was given by a little hot Mexican chick which made all the guys giggle when she was talking about getting your balls cut. It was quite cool to see so many other losers in the same category as me. I felt quite comfortable knowing that I wasn’t the only asshole with this crazy cockamania idea. Queen Sheba was told by her doctor that she needed to stop taking the pill as it started affecting her Hormones. Meaning the bitch can turn on a dime! I being the stoner that I am, told her that I would get a Vasectomy.

Me and big mouth, I know better than to talk when I’m stone. I always seem to get in trouble that way. Anyway, I decided to do it as I seem to love to drink, smoke crazy weed and get in the pussy and snuggle up to it like it’s a mink fucking coat.
So the class went on and all the guys had the same question, “How long before I can fuck again?” The little Mexican chick, we’ll call her Ms. Langoria, told everyone that it would take 10 days before you can even punch the clown. Ms. Langoria went on about what drugs you can not take before the procedure. My business partner felt bad for me about this stupid decision in life, so he gave me the day off. So when ever I have the day off, I like to wake up with a nice bowl to start the day. So everyone is asking questions and me (Stony Boloney) asked if you could smoke weed prior to the surgery. It was like you could hear a pin drop in that fucking room. I didn’t give a shit what anybody thought, but there was the one white guy in the corner that gave me the thumbs up and a smile for asking. Ms. Langoria just looked at me like I was a fucking idiot. All she said was to use it in moderation. Didn’t fucking answer my question, probably because it was so fucking dumb to ask, what ever!
The class ended and I was given a packet with info to call back in and schedule the procedure. I took my time doing this as I was not about to set my balls on the chopping table yet.

I called at the end of January as that is when I think I came to the realization that I had to go through with it. So I called and the bitch on the other end tells me that there is only one opening in February. Guess what day? Friday the 13th. Fuck me; I swear to you, that I’m truly cursed in life. I should have been born a Bundy!
Queen Sheba drove me there, since my boys were getting snipped and I needed a ride home. I was a bit nervous but went in anyway. I showed up, received a packet of information to fill out. Waited in the waiting room and then my name was called. I took a deep breath, kissed Queen Sheba and went in. They asked for me to get naked and keep my socks and shoes on. Huh?!! Ok, whatever, so I did. Then had my pressure was taken, it was a bit high as I was nervous. Then they walked over to the operating room and laid me on the bed. There were stirrups where I had to place my legs on, which I did. The room was cold and my balls are just hanging out like Chorizos at a Cuban market. The one nurse told me that someone else would come in prep the boys for the surgery. To my amazement, Ms. Langoria walked in. I’m like, ok this might be cool after all. She didn’t say a fucking word except,” I’ll be applying iodine and this will be really cold” WHOAAHHH!!! That shit was cold and my nuts shrank to the size of Peanuts! Then she taped the head of my cock onto my stomach. At this point, I tried to socialize with the bitch, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. Yet, I asked her if she thought my balls were perfectly shaven. What a fucking moronic thing to say. All she said was,” Yes they are.” When she said that I felt another blast of frozen liquid down my balls and down the crack of my ass. That shit is no joke!! Bitch did it on purpose. She left and said the doctor would be in soon. Here we go, will he walk in with a hockey mask and will he have a bloody machete? Fuck no, he walks in and is a 5 foot 2 Asian Doctor. Oh no, he is going to Sashimi my balls!!! He opens his mouth the Doctor sounds like Charles Fucking Heston. Phew, cool, he was raised in the States. Thank god!

He started his shit and says, “ This will hurt a bit” I immediately gripped the side of the table. AWWWWW, my nuts, my nuts and then the pain just went away. He performed the procedure and it was over in 20 minutes. Ms. Langoria came in cleaned me up and asked if I was ok. Bitch, I just lost my family jewels, what do you think? She smirked as I was leaving the room. Probably gets off on that shit at night. “OOOO, it was so great to see so many nuts get snipped today!!”
I got dressed and walked out of the room, Queen Sheba looked at me like I had lost my best friend. She took me home and I iced my nuts for the next 24 hours. I still have 2 small stitches on my balls which will fall off by the end of the week. The funny part is that I made a huge deal out of it and it was not bad at all. My balls will be ok and now I can fuck Queen Sheba when ever I want. I will save the planet from more Sacopapitas roaming the earth. Amen to that!!

Sacopapa Out!!!

The Virus

Sacopapa here reporting for duty. What a fucking week. I’m truly blessed with greatness and great prosperity for this year. NOT!!!! Holyshit, I have been battling a fucking Trojan Worm, that made me wipe my fucking laptop clean. When I mean clean, I mean my Hard Drive had to be FDISK and Formatted. If you know about computers, that is like the last fucking resource. Like a fucking crack head looking for crack and has to force himself to suck dick for the Rock! It was one of those fucking viruses that must have come from India or Japan, as it was one of the worst I have ever encountered.
The story begins with me doing taxes on Saturday the 31st and feeling great since Uncle Sam is going to gives us a great return! Anyway, Super bowl weekend comes; we party, drink and eat like the fucking Crump’s! Everything ended a great Note. Steelers Won, no one broke anything at my house. Kids were great. I even got some that night!!
Monday, I powered up my Laptop and get into Outlook immediately. Emails begin to download, everything as usual. I sit with a cup of coffee to wake up and I have to get my stomach to start brewing the Super Bowl shit from hell. The last email that downloaded was from the Treasury Department. The email stated that there were issues placing my Efile on line and that I had to click on the link below in order to correct this problem. I truly believe that God loves me in everyway! Not!!! As soon as I clicked on the link, all my programs started to shut off. I was like a fucking mad man, trying to disconnect my LAN Cable, because I just realized what is happening. The Hamsters in my brain wouldn’t move fast enough for me to unplug the Cable. I’m yelling Holyshit, Holyshit, and Holyshit!! Sacopapa Junior is asking me, why I’m cursing. I can’t answer him because my fucking Cable is stuck and I can’t unplug it. Then the inedible happens, the computer shuts off, all by itself. DAMN!!
I knew then I was fucked, my day would be fucked, tomorrow would be fucked and the rest of the week would be fucked. I look at Sacapapa Junior and he says you shouldn’t have clicked on that Link Daddy. If you could have seen the look on my face when he said that, you would have cracked up till 2010. I was the like the Coyote in the Road Runner Cartoon, right when he is about to fall off a cliff!
All I could say was“You’re right baby, let’s go to school” as I looked up into the ceiling underneath my teeth, I slowly muttered, “Hopefully we won’t fucking crash on the way there”. Took me 4 days to repair the damn thing and I was finally up and running by Friday. Yeah, life sucks when you are a fucking Sacopapa! So now I’m back and ready to rock!

Sacopapa Out!

Toddlers and Tiaras!!

Sacopapa reporting for duty. I hate to say this, but what the fuck is wrong with us and reality TV shows. Holyshit, has anyone heard of Toddlers and Tiaras? OK, I’m going to give you my top 10 reasons why it so fucking wrong to string your kids up like a fucking Muppet and parade them like fucking chimps. Here we go.

1. You were the least popular chick in school and now you are trying to make up through your daughters looks.
2. You’re trying to compete with the next door neighbor but you will never get there. You’re fat, your kids are fat and you’ll always be fat.
3. Ever thought of having your kid live a normal life? How about playing with a Barbie doll or playing outside. Stupid bitch.
4. Quit trying to be an attention whore. You suck, your kids suck and worst of all, your husband sucks for approving this whole cock a mania idea!!
5. If your husband approves of this, he’s really gay and probably wears better G-strings than you.
6. Now that your kid is mentally disabled by your great parenting, don’t be surprise if she ends up behind bars or just mentally disturbed.
7. Great, no one wants to know that she was a baby star and now she’s filming Porn.
8. Mom and Dad, I hate you both. I hope the both of you rot in hell.
9. You have been a great contribution to society and now the world can end with a cosmic crash!! Go fuck yourself and quit forcing your kids to do something they don’t want to do. Ever hear of soccer moms??
10. Ever hear of JonBenét Ramsey?

That’s it in a nut shell. Sacopapa out!!!

Mask Man is a Fag

Sacopapa reporting for duty. Not much to share this week as it's been very quiet around here. My father in law finally went home and hopefully he is using his own butter knife to cut his shit apart. There is a god!

This week has been nothing but conference calling and corporate training. Even though I work from home, I still have to attend training to stay on top of my game. These conference calls usually consist of a few guys and every once in a while we get chicks to attend. They usually last anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour. Every time we join these calls we kind of bullshit a bit before the meeting begins. Most of guys talk about sports, beer drinking and hot chicks. Well, the moderator is from NY, lives in the Village and is a flaming Homo. He is super smart and does a great job giving the presentations. Like Seinfeld once said " Not that there is anything wrong with it". But I can't stand when he gets all girlie and start talking about what he does on the weekends.

We talk about sport, chicks, cars and this bitch talks about candle parties at his house. It's like you can hear a pin drop over the phones when he starts to talk. I'm pretty sure everyone is muted and are cracking up listening to Petunia. I know he is trying to fit in, but we don't want to hear that shit.

Anyway, I think it's wrong and bitch, please keep your shit to yourself. There is no point to this story except that fags quit trying to fit in with straight people. Go back to your fucking smelly candle parties and quit telling people what you do on your own personal time. We don't want to hear it or even know about it. Also, please stop with the fag laughs when you get carried away, it's really fucking annoying.

Here is a small clip of Lenny Bruce talking about Fags. Enjoy.

Sacopapa Out!!

Elvis has left the building!!

Sacopapa reporting for duty. I hate to say this, but once again, I had a horrible fucking week with my father in law. If only he could have been 20 years younger, I would of scraped his old ass all over the side walk. Not sure if you know this, but old people have a hard time shitting. They get constipated by eating one fucking banana. This Nigga decides to eat at least 6 to 7 bananas a day. Are you fucking for kidding me?

Sacopapa Junior has been asking me everyday, “Daddy, where are all the bananas?” I of course don’t pay attention to it as I’m trying to do work and take care of my daughter. We’ll just call her Mojonsita, since she’s a little shit and acts just like her mom. Anyway, I went to the store and bought more. By the 3rd day, I’m like, “what the fuck, where are all the bananas going?” I bust this Nigga taking up to 3 bananas into my son’s room. I had to do it, and so I did, I asked him, “Why are you eating so many bananas?” His response, which I should of dropped kick him in the balls was, “Because I need all the potassium I can get.” My brain started to turn like a Hamster on a wheel and tried to remember if I had seen him or smelled him shitting in our kid’s bathroom. Nope, he has not!!!

I have heard of the poop of death and I started to panic. Anyway, the day was over and we all went to bed. The next day was dooms day! He started the morning by having 4 cups of coffee, egg whites, 2 pieces of toast and Exlax! I knew exactly what he was up to. I calmly had my breakfast and watch him in a mortified way, like I was 13 and was watching the Exorcist. He finished all his heart attack food and sat in the living room. Took nothing but 10 minutes for him to get up and go to the bathroom.

After 20 minutes he came out and asked me for a butter knife. I got up and asked him, “Why do you need a butter knife?” His fucking response was, “It’s to cut this bad boy up and flush him down!” I fucking looked by mistake into the toilet and immediately threw up in my mouth. Not enough to projectile, but enough to taste the gag in my mouth. This was the perfect time for me to say out loud, “HOLYSHIT, did that come out of your ass?!!!” He starred at me and was like, “Don’t worry; you’ll go through it too.” I’ll go threw it too?! What!!! I looked at him and said “you must be fucking high, how about quit eating all my bananas and quit shitting like a fucking gorilla!” He shook his head and still had the audacity to ask me for the fucking butter knife. I lost it on him. How dare you use my eating utensil to cut your shit apart, what kind of a fucking man are you? By now, I’m thinking, how the fuck is that “bad boy” going to be flushed down. The thing looked like a fucking midget leg.

Fuck me, Sacopapa to the rescue. I took his ass to the side of the garage, cut down a piece of branch and gave it to him. I told him to cut his shit up and try flushing it. He did and oops, the inedible happened. The toilet over flowed! This is when you become religious and start questioning god. Why me god? I could have sworn I heard a small whisper in my ear, “because you’re Sacopapa”. So I got a respirator mask placed over my grill, picked up the plunger and went to town. Damn that had to be the worst shit I have ever done in my life. I was so freaked out from all of this, that I called Queen Sheba and cursed her out for being his daughter.

We finally took him to his animal kingdom where he can do whatever the fuck he likes. He can use his own utensils to cut his own shit up. Not in my house, no way, no how and not in this lifetime. Old people are gross; I will be the old guy to blow out my brains if I ever have to use a butter knife to cut my own shit. I have come to the conclusion that I’m a germ o phobic, so I’ll leave you with a little George Carlin with regards to germs.




Sacopapa out!!

The Father In-Law

The Father In-Law

Sacopapa here reporting for duty. What a fucking week. My father in-law has been staying here after Angioplasty was performed on Saturday. Talk about the stench of old fucking gizzard aroma in the air. I’ve been trying to be cool with him, but he still looks at me like I should be cutting his grass at his house. Keep in mind that I’m from El Salvador and my wife is white. She is very cool, but when I first met her, she thought I was going to ask her for a job.
Anyway, thank god for my python as she now worships the ground I walk on. Her dad is another story. He can be cool at time, but other times, I want to drop kick him on the balls. Bitch, you’re in my house now. My rule, what I say goes. Yet, I still get mass shit from him. He can’t fucking hear and can’t fucking hit the back of the toilet when pissing. Guess who gets to clean up after that dirty old bastard? Yup, you are right, Sacofuckingpapa!!!
This shit is driving me crazy. He’s been sleeping on my son’s bed for 3 days now. I know I will have to get a new mattress after he leaves. I can already hear it fm sacopapa junior, “Dad, my bed stinks. It’s smell like Grandpa”. As the good father that I am, I will tell him that I will get a new mattress. Just for that, I will have to give Queen Sheba Anal for being his daughter. Great another shitty day!! Anyway, life sucks, my wife hates me, and my kids love me, plus work sucks. I should have been a sniper in the Army, so I would have a real fucking job taking care of business. Wink wink Robotman, you know what I mean.
I’m a Director of Operations for my own company. Meaning I get to deal with Assholes day and day out. All good since I work out of my house, which makes me more of a Sacopapa on a daily basis. Life is great, NOT!! Dealing with old people is like dealing with your kids. Fuck me; I hope he doesn’t die in my house tonight. Poor bastard can’t take care of himself. Been frying eggs for the past week at everything he requests. What can I do, just suck it up and deal with it, I guess. Anyway, more to report later in this week.
If you have old relatives living around you, MOVE!! Get the fuck out of dodge, not worth getting involved. If you can make it to the funeral only, that is the best route to go. Peace out and be cool. This is Sacopapa!!!