My Secret Girlfriend

So I get up the other morning and my cell rings. Queen Succubus tells me, "Hey, your phone was ringing". I think my response was, "I really don't give a shit." Now, understand, I don't want to talk to anyone at 7AM. At 7Am, if I'm getting ready for work, I'm hating life. If my phone rings at 7Am, you'd better be someone I do not know unless you have news that you're coming over with a case of Amstel Light & a 1/2 ounce of good weed. (Emphasis on good, nobody likes smoking dirt). Either way, I proceeded to brush my teeth and continued hating life with a little more disgust than I had initially.

As I got dressed, I chatted with your Highness. By her tone, I could tell she was going to go there. I tried asking her how she slept to try and change the forth coming topic but to no avail. "Who left you a message?" she asked (more like interrogated.) This means she actually shot a glance at my phone to investigate. Thats fucking gross. I could give a flying fuck since I have nothing to hide, but still, fucking lame. I did have a message........ from the day before from a friend about some baby shower. Not a message from my secret girlfriend.

I could list 50 reasons about why she's an idiot just like I'm sure she could make the same case for me. But to avoid not getting any trim this weekend, here are 3 reasons why I'm not lucky enough to have some chick calling me at 7AM:

1) Chicks don't like to get up in the AM hours

(I know this from personal experience)

2) I'm broke (chicks like money, no money no pussy)

3) Women are selfish & self-absorbed. I can guarantee I am the last thing

on any woman's mind first thing in the morning, even Queen Succubus.

I was so pissed off, I rolled out as quickly as possible. Nothing like heading to a job you hate already disgusted by random couple/stupid chick bullshit. Like how lucky would I have to be to have any woman calling me first thing in the morning. Especially my secret girlfriend. I'd be lucky to get tongue, much less circle the bases. All I know is, I'm not married in the technical sense of the word but I'm pretty sure my wife hates me too.....