Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Ten Commandments for Assholes

Every fucking day you go out and there are assholes everywhere. Though many I believe are unintentional, they just don’t know they are assholes. Here are an easy 10 tips to follow to not be such an asshole. (Please picture Chartlon Heston reading aloud)

1. Mind your own business.
This one is paramount and self explanatory.
2. Shut the fuck up.
Silence is golden. You just can’t go wrong if you apply this shining nugget of advice. It goes very well with #1.
3. Do not block public areas ever, for any reason.
This includes by your person, your vehicle, your stuff, your idiocy, whatever. Do not impede others. For example, if you hate abortion, that’s cool just don’t block the fucking sidewalk I am using.
4. Don’t touch anyone ever, without their permission.
One exception.
5. Don’t touch anyone’s stuff ever, without their permission.
One exception.
6. Don’t step on anyone’s property ever, without their permission.
Why take foolish risks.
7. Don’t make loud noise in or near public areas.
Your fucking gay cell phone conversations don’t interest me, fuckface.
8. Control your children in public.
Do whatever you have to do. Lock them in cages in the attic if you can't handle them. I will be following rule #1 if you decide to smack the shit out of them for breaking rules 1-7.
9. Use turn signals and merge properly.
Enough already with the retarded driving.
10. Return things that are lent to you without being reminded by the lender.
Really just a basic courtesy, practiced by so very few.

Hope these tips come in handy, feel free to print them out and put on your fridge and throughout your workplace. I am the Robotman.


  1. Amen to all the new commandements for Assholes!! Someone had to say it, now let's see if anyone can follow them. Like Baby Focker said on meet the fockers, "ASSHOLE"

  2. nice list. pretty funny that wiki has an entry for asshole & nice damien photo.
    my pop-culture comment: i wonder how many people understand the seinfeld pic you used in #10? jerry is speaking to the library guy who is accusing him of never returning a book. nice job, great use of that reference.

  3. I will posting a copy of this in my room somewhere. I wholeheartedly agree with all of your commandments. I'm sure you could add 10 more but this is pretty good...