Gates of Steel

I live in one of those cookie cutter gated communities. My home is nice and fairly new. The neighbors are decent enough and more importantly don’t park in, around, or block my driveway. This was a constant struggle and source of aggravation for me when I lived in no-parking available Northeast New Jersey, so I really appreciate it. One of the next-door neighbor families we call the Incas, nice people, but take away the Wal-Mart clothes, add some ponchos and llamas, and it’s a National Geographic photo. (Sacopapa’s father-in-law would have a field day). My other next-door neighbors are an older couple from Chicago, so thankfully no actual born and bred Floridians next door. After that it’s the usual assortment of multi-race families, boob jobs, and cops. Florida has many different types of law enforcement always driving around doing God knows what when they are not giving me tickets (State, Sheriff, City, County, School Board, Town, Postal, Animal, DEA, Customs, ATF, just endless) and many of them live in gated communities and like to park their police cars in the driveway. I even have a fire investigator nearby who parks his police style fire car in his driveway. You would think I’m set if I’m ever robbed or have a fire. Not that I’d bank on it, but you would think.

My community has an Association which you are forced to pay an annoying amount of money to every month. This is for upkeep of the grounds, clubhouse, useless gate guards, basic cable (which now they cancelled and didn’t lower the fee!), that type of shit. The association needs leaders who decide if Jill can paint her house pastel blue or if Joe can park his canoe in the driveway. Real fucking life and death shit. Since most fucking people have jobs, guess who are the leaders of this Association? Old retired white people. No offense to old retired white people, but who wants them choosing décor, making rules, and hiring 3rd party services? No one, that’s who, not even white people. They actually get voted in as barely anyone votes and only other old retired white people are running against the incumbents.

Here are excerpts from a random posting on my community website (that by the way, the old retired white people don’t access or post on the site) to get a little taste for things…

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Yes I agree with (so and so) we need to know the number of foreclosures and also the number of people not paying the dues...we definitely need to know this before the new HOA fees effective. I am paying my dues on time and I am not responsible for others. Everyone is in this economic crisis...paying too much for everything mortgage, insurance, gas...and now HOA fee increase no way this is ridiculous. With a HOA fee $134 and separate cable we are going to spend close to $200 on a monthly basis…After all paying these fees.., the security company is not doing their job right, they are allowing the visitors without calling the home owners…
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There are dozens of posts and threads like this. The HOA (homeowners association) is a cartoonish preposterous imitation of any type of formal organization and really should be put out of their misery. I’d kill them myself if it wasn’t for that fact that I’d probably go to jail.

So several months ago after much nagging and needling from my wife and I “agree” to have the outside of the house painted. Little did I know what was in store with this undertaking. First step was to go to the clubhouse and see one of the hired managers/attendants. Mostly they are always out to lunch but you can catch them for a few minutes a day. First trip is my wife and daughter. My wife is from Costa Rica and her English isn’t that great and the manager ladies have thick Jamaican* accents, so my daughter, on my suggestion, went along as translator. I should have filmed that shit and posted it on You Tube.

From what they told me, the lady wasn’t exactly unfurling the pom-poms at their arrival at the office. The lady tells my wife she can pick the color form the pre-approved color “color wheel” and it can be approved then and there. My wife asks if she can take the wheel home. The lady says a refundable deposit of $100.00 is required and it will be returned after the painting is done and the house is inspected by some person the old white people hired. Like we are going to steal it with them knowing our address. My wife doesn’t have the checkbook and is slightly annoyed, and decides she doesn’t like any of the colors on the color wheel. The lady really could give two shits and is following the retarded rules of the Association, so she gives the “planned construction” approval form to my wife, since she didn’t like the colors on the stupid wheel.

I arrive home from the job with all the meetings and get ambushed by my wife and daughter about the forms, the lady, the paint, the $100, and other assorted topics. They drone on and on for 30 minutes not even giving me a chance to get out of the “business casual” costume I’m forced to wear to work. Next up, my wife says we are off to Home Depot to pick the color we will have the house painted. Once there, I just say yes to any color she mentions and wait for her to decide. If there is a color I do particularly like, I say no as that will increase the chances of that color getting picked.

Since the wife was handling the hiring of good painters, a task which I wouldn’t want normally, much less in the Banana Republic of South Florida, I got the task of filling out the “planned construction” approval form, turning it in to the lady and finding out the next steps. I fill out the form and attach a color sample, savage sands, or whatever the fucking name was, and the $100 check.

After like 3 days of dropping by the clubhouse with no one there and the pressure from the wife, I finally catch the lady one day at 420pm turning off her computer with purse and key in hand. Mind you, this fucking place is supposed to be open till 6pm. She looks at me like I fucking spilled milk on her dress or something. I explain that I am having my house painted and before I can even finish my sentence she whips out the color wheel and tells me to pick a color. I explain the situation. She says the association meets once a month for pre-construction approval (which includes picking a paint that is not on the fucking bullshit wheel that I just want to shove up this lady’s ass). She tells me that the next association “construction approval” meeting is in 3 weeks and then they will mail me their decision. The Furor was not amused when I arrived home and told her this last bit of information, and somehow I was to blame.

The paint color was finally approved and a few painful weeks later I had a freshly painted house. Now I had to turn in the inspection request form, and after the inspection I could get my check back. A few days later I turn in the form.

Around 5 months later (yesterday) I’m at the back gate (no guard gate) of my community after leaving work a bit early to finally pick my $100 deposit check from the paint hassle, as they have managed to evade me for months. The fucking gate doesn’t open, the brand new $30 gate entry chip sticker I was forced to wait in line for last SATURDAY at the clubhouse that is now needed to get into the community doesn’t seem to be working…..fuck…..making the u-turn for the one mile drive to the front gate I remember my wife also mentioned she wants to screen in part of the backyard (construction approval hell part duex) …..it never fucking ends.

*Disclaimer: While I do think most people are lame and gross, I have nothing in particular against Jamaicans, Costa Ricans, Incans, or white people. It just so happens that those cultures are involved in this sad and factual tale. I am the Robotman.