Howard the Duck

So I head out to work this morning, thrilled as usual. I turn the corner and drive about half the block until I have to slow down because there, in the roadway, are 2 ducks. There just chilling crossing the street in my lane. I have nothing against ducks. As a matter of fact, when Queen Succubus and I have breakfast at a local place, I often say," Hey check out the duckies...". Pretty gay, I know. And by the some of the looks she's given me after hearing this comment for like the 750th time, I'm sure she thinks its pretty gay too. I proceed to swerve around the "duckies" and continue along my way. The person behind me does the same thing. These fucking ducks have it better than us humans. Unreal.

The thing about these ducks is that they're like mutant ducks. I've seen some that could weigh 15-20 lbs. Totally harmless, non-aggressive, but still abnormally large. Or maybe not. I'm not a fucking farmer or duck breeder. All I know is whenever I feel like any of my limbs are in danger with any animal, I'm fucking wary. So I proceed on my merry ride. I hit the main road and speed up to 35- 40 mph, the speed limit. I go 2 blocks and the light turns yellow. Fuck it, I think, I'm taking this bitch.

As I speed through the yellow light, out of the corner of my right eye, I see 2 ducks taking flight. Now, I have pretty good hand to eye coordination. I swear to God, when I saw the ducks taking off, I thought, "Holy Shit, am I gonna hit one of those...." I didn't even get to finish the thought. I closed my eyes and WHAM!!!!! 20!!!!! I fucked that duck up Looney Tunes style. I hit that fucker so hard I thought it might have cracked my windshield. And by the sound of the impact, it was a rather large one. Luckily, my windshield is not broken because I would have been one pissed off motherfucker with a hilarious broken car window story. And possibly sporting numerous lacerations due to flying shards of glass at 40mph.

Don't worry the duck survived the initial shot. After I pulverized it, I saw it in my rearview, feathers flying all over the place, looking to land in the median. He was rocked though. Serves em right. Next time that particular duck (if it lived) will think twice about flying carelessly through roadways with traffic. And I hope he spreads the message along to all the other stupid ducks as well. "Stay the fuck out of the street!! Go back to the lake or wherever the fuck you came from and stop slowing down traffic!!!"

Until next time, peace. I'm out......