What?!! No Hot Water??!!

Sacopapa reporting for duty. Yes, it's been a while and shit is no different around my house. This past weekend the Water Heater took a shit. You will love this fucked up story. The pilot had shut off while Queen Sheba was taking a bath. I know all you guys have heard it " Babe!! There is no Hot Water!!" So I walk in the bathroom and she is giving me the Jedi stare, I immediately hit the deck thinking she is going to strike me down with a fucking Lightsaber.
She started to talk and all I heard was " There is no Hot water". The the rest of the conversation went to a Charlie Brown mumble, "Muaw, muaw, muawmuaw" "Blah, blah blah". I rolled my eyes and walked out, I think I flipped her off when I walked out of the bathroom. I Obviously flipped her off behind her back or I'll have no pussy for a least a whole month.

Round One: I went into the garage and see that the pilot is off. Saco to the rescue! I tried to start the pilot at least 5 times with no luck. so I called the number on the tank. The call center is in India, " fuck me!". I don't need to tell you how the conversation went as all of you have experienced this 3rd World Nation Call. By the time I hung up, the rep had given me a replacement part ID, so that I could go to Lowes and get a free replacement. Now it's like 9 at night and the fucking store is closed. I went back the next day and the fucking Monkeys at the customer care desk advised me that I was number 2500 of fucking idiots like me looking for the same fucking part.

Round2: So I called back my friend in India. Happy Happy Joy joy! The rep this time told me he would ship a replacement part overnight. It's Day 2 and we have no hot water. Whatever, I told Rock Hudson, send it. Not sure if you knew this, but whenever you call a call center in India, all the reps give each other movie star names. This fucker picked the worst Butt Bandit name in the History of Hollywood.

Round 3: It's now Saturday and the part is not here. Mean while, I need to take the Family to the Car Dealer to get a new car. That shit took over 5 hours to complete. I come back and the box is outside my door. Queen Sheba automatically gets excited and say "Warm Shower Tonight" I'm thinking" Golden shower Tonight!". I took the box went to the garage and started to replace the defective part. It's now 7:00 at night PST time and the shit is not working. I called Rock Hudson back and I hear the most disturbing recording you could ever hear "The offices are now closed and will open on Monday". My fucking jaw dropped and I threw my wrenches out the fucking garage. Fuck me, now I have to wait till Monday! You can just imagine the look Wifey gave me when I told her the bad news. Oh well at this time, I didn't care if I went without pussy for an eternity.

Round 4: Well, we made it through the weekend. Mass boiling of water and Saco taking cold ass shower like a refugee. I called Rock Hudson, he tells me he doesn't know what the problem is. I wanted to come out the other side of the phone and shove my shoe so far up his ass that I wanted him to burp shoe polish for a year. He transfer me to another department.

Round 5: Holyshit, it's an American!!! Thank god for Good Ol' USA #1. This bitch from Tennesse tells me that the part that was sent to me, was not the right part that was defective. I hope Rock Hudson eats a bad Radish and shit worms for a whole month!! She tells me that she will be shipping out the new part over night. I thanked her and then told Queen Sheba the news. I still get the Darth Vader chocking look! Oh well, my getting laid days are now stretching. Fuck it!

Round 6 and final Round: The shipment came via UPS overnight. What does that mean? It means the package is being handled by some fucking Highschool drop out who thinks the world owes him an explanation as to why he's a fucking looser. If anyone of you know how Union Worker perform their work, then you know they took their fucking time getting me this package. I called UPS and the bitch tells me the package is in route and that they have till 7:00 PM to deliver the package. So I tell this bitch, so what is the purpose of having overnight as the package shows up at night and I can't see in the dark. She went silent and said sorry for the inconvenience. I said Fuck you too!
The package showed up at 6:55 PM. I want to shoot this fucking hippie delivering my package. Took all but 15 minutes to place the part and Bingo we have fire!!
This is the kind of shit that happends to me on a daily basis, with my luck the motherfucking Water Heater will go out next week. De Pinga! Sacopapa out!!

Failing at the (blog) job

Trying to get back on track......so a couple of months ago I was filling this blog up with some regular posts. New job......no more down time....now what? This was not something I did at home. It is safe to say that my wife will not be happy if I am too busy to change my son's shit filled diaper because I am posting negative crap about our life.

Even though my new job has me more satisfied, there is still plenty of morons, dickheads, and assholes for me to get some inspiration from. Hell I can start right here! It's not like I was the only one fucking posting, why didn't the other guys grab the bull by the horns and continue to post!
Fucking fags.

Anyway, this all leads to the fact that I gotta figure something out to get back into the swing of things. As of today, I promise to figure something out so I can be blog master general again.

.....and since we had that nasty toe pic up for so long, here is a perfect bud.

Robotman Update

Since my last few posts work has continued to be grosser than ever in the 15 years since I have worked there. It's not even fucking funny anymore. There are more meetings than ever, they cancelled our payraises for this year. Whatever, I just shut up and so what I have to do to survive is this corporate pit of shit and liars.

Shit's cool at home, pretty much the usual stuff. My Dog is pregnant which should be material for a future post. Oh yeah, and I smashed my toe (picture right,click to enlarge) and it hurt like a motherfucker, but still preferable to how my gut wrenches when I pull into my work parking lot each morning.

As far as the other posters, Sacopapa is enjoying his son's baseball games and all the baseball moms, but the season is now over. Sugarking can't find time to post at his new job and hasn't been able to squeeze in the time at home. Alteregoman I'm sure is loving work and enjoying traffic on a daily basis.

Well hopefully all the bitches start posting again at least to get my disgusting and injured left big toe macro close-up off the top of the page. I am the Robotman.

The Coporate Perks

The perks. I took a massive hit going on my own. Same as you I lost a ton of perks, yet I could never go back to Corporate World.

Its like the Matrix. Take the red pill and never come back.

Love the fact that I'm doing something my dad never did. Be there for his kids. That means more than the Perks and gives me the strength to keep going.

Bitches? Yeah no more eye candy at work, so we now look forward to milf material. Enjoyable enough to give me new rub material.

Yeah life sucks that is no lie but we can't quit. We're a different bread than the rich assholes you see on a daily basis.

We're the real men and that's why all we have is the kids, milf material and the ol' ball and chain.

Hey, it could be worse!

Liar Pigs

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Apocalypto

The planets have aligned. The stars are in synchronous orbit. The earth is still in an equinox state. A Portal has formed in my home. It is possible the very Gates of Hell will open. Fucking Stargate, The Fifth Element, The Four Horsemen, all that shit is coming down. It is here.

What is the cause and yet the very creation of these apocalyptic conditions you ask? It is the most random of occurrences that may signal the end of existence, The Furor, Fashion Show, and my female Maltese have achieved menstrual synchronization. A human-canine estrogen explosion. Worlds are colliding.

The house is like a strange vortex, and I expect Rod Serling at every turn. If my house was ever haunted, those fucking ghosts are long gone. My male dog is a nervous wreck and likes it under the couch, my son is pretty much barricaded in his room or out of the house. A rare wise move from Robotman Jr.

I, on the other hand have to navigate this Science Fiction Horror Show like Mad Max or the Omega Man. Or maybe more like Eddie. I’m on day one of this ordeal and it seems like eons have gone by. I tread carefully, quietly and am praying regularly as I await the Dark Age to pass while avoiding Time Tunnels or Wormholes around the house. Escaping a Borg Cube would be a cakewalk.

I do have a light at the end of the tunnel. Next week my friend Nytefall is visiting from Bumfuck upstate New York and we are going to see Iron Maiden, whose lyrics by the way, are mild compared to the week that lays ahead of me.

If I survive I hope to be posting about whatever burnt out shit Nytefall does on his visit. I am, and shall always be, the Robotman.

Wife 1.0

So sorry for the lack of updates.......since updating this blog is not something I really do at home, I just started a new job about 2 weeks ago and I am currently figuring out my free time to get important stuff, like blogging and fantasy sports, done on company time.

Here is an email someone sent me that is great for the blog, if you have read this already, too fucking bad:

>To Technical Support:

Subject: Software problems.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.5, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some other of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on this program. Can you help me?

Thanks

> Tech Support writes back:

This is a very common problem that men complain about and is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creators to run everything. It's unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden Operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with even more problems. Look in the manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause! The best solution in this case is to enter the command C:\Apologize. In any case, avoid excessive use of the Escape key because ultimately you will have to give the C:\Apologize command before the operating system returns to normal. In closing, I might state that Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend programs such as Flowers 2.1 and Expensive Dinner 5.0 with continuous upgrades. In fact, some applications such as New Car 2.0 and Vacation 3.5 can remedy some of the worst cases of Wife 1.0. DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 or Fishing Weekend 6.0!! These applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and are likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck

Tech Support

Pillsbury Assassin

It’s been awhile since my last post for a few reasons. After “The Message” I was artistically drained, work has been a pain in my ass the last couple of weeks with barely anytime to surf or write, and at home, in between dealing with the family, I have been playing Civilization IV like a fucking crack addict to prepare to join my geek friends in an online game.

I’m thinking my wife may really hate me. This past Saturday the kids are out and I’m playing Civilization IV with Alexander the Great kicking my ass. The Furor says she will make hot cinnamon rolls for me so I can eat while I play. Ahh, domestic bliss. A little while later she comes over with milk and three warm cinnamon rolls. I inhale the first one while my Redcoats are struggling to hold off Greek forces from taking London. Yummy.

I pick up the second one as a dozen or so Greek Elephant Brigades are filing into London. This one I bite gently and feel the bottom a little hard, and think it may be a little burnt or something so I bite down hard. Immediate pain shoots through my teeth, I have a dental bridge so it was extra shattering, and also feel something slice my tongue. I pull the cinnamon roll away, blood coming out of my mouth. I guess the scream got The Furors attention as she was walking over as I looked at the bottom of the cinnamon role and I now see the top of a can securely affixed to it. Barely able to speak, I point to the can top so my wife can see it. Laughing, she claims it was an “accident”. The top of the Pillsbury can must have gotten stuck “somehow” she claims. I look over to my PC and London has fallen to the Greeks. Both London and I are hurt, bleeding, and lost.

Shortly thereafter, while picking up Fashion Show, I tell her about the incident. She giggles and says that she doesn’t “think “ The Furor is trying to kill or maim me. She then mentions that at least there are cinnamon rolls at home to munch on, and I tell her it was only one can and we ate them. This information, unlike the information concerning my injury and worries, gets her upset. Right then my wife calls and tells me to stop and get another can of cinnamon roll mix. A little later they sat with my son and his girlfriend eating cinnamon rolls and having a good laugh. My tongue hurts and the Greeks take York. I am the Robotman.

Barbie is 50!

Sacopapa reporting for duty. It's been a while folks and I know most of you are busy as hell trying to keep your shitty jobs. At least we have shitty jobs to keep us employed. Anyway I want to throw this one out there for all the guys that have daughters.

My Mojonsita loves Barbies and wants to get the new doll. This fucking doll is 50 years old and still popular as hell. To compliment her 50th Birthday Bash, I want to share with all of you her newest video. If you care about your kid you'll never buy her one, it's like feeding Crack to a Crack head! Once they start, they don't want to stop getting them. Anyway, enjoy!!!

Sacopapa out!

My Secret Girlfriend

So I get up the other morning and my cell rings. Queen Succubus tells me, "Hey, your phone was ringing". I think my response was, "I really don't give a shit." Now, understand, I don't want to talk to anyone at 7AM. At 7Am, if I'm getting ready for work, I'm hating life. If my phone rings at 7Am, you'd better be someone I do not know unless you have news that you're coming over with a case of Amstel Light & a 1/2 ounce of good weed. (Emphasis on good, nobody likes smoking dirt). Either way, I proceeded to brush my teeth and continued hating life with a little more disgust than I had initially.

As I got dressed, I chatted with your Highness. By her tone, I could tell she was going to go there. I tried asking her how she slept to try and change the forth coming topic but to no avail. "Who left you a message?" she asked (more like interrogated.) This means she actually shot a glance at my phone to investigate. Thats fucking gross. I could give a flying fuck since I have nothing to hide, but still, fucking lame. I did have a message........ from the day before from a friend about some baby shower. Not a message from my secret girlfriend.

I could list 50 reasons about why she's an idiot just like I'm sure she could make the same case for me. But to avoid not getting any trim this weekend, here are 3 reasons why I'm not lucky enough to have some chick calling me at 7AM:

1) Chicks don't like to get up in the AM hours

(I know this from personal experience)

2) I'm broke (chicks like money, no money no pussy)

3) Women are selfish & self-absorbed. I can guarantee I am the last thing

on any woman's mind first thing in the morning, even Queen Succubus.

I was so pissed off, I rolled out as quickly as possible. Nothing like heading to a job you hate already disgusted by random couple/stupid chick bullshit. Like how lucky would I have to be to have any woman calling me first thing in the morning. Especially my secret girlfriend. I'd be lucky to get tongue, much less circle the bases. All I know is, I'm not married in the technical sense of the word but I'm pretty sure my wife hates me too.....

Slow time & the lame duck

Pink Floyd has this song called Time(off of the Darkside of the Moon Album), the song has a long intro that sounds like a ton of clocks ticking away, getting louder and louder.......while it is a very cool intro, that is the sound I hear everyday in head lately at work.

You see, about a week and half ago I gave notice at my job. And 'by notice' I mean that I told them they can only torture me for another 2 weeks then I am onto (what I hope will be) greener pastures. Needless to say, I have been hating my job for quite a while and every second spent here drags.......but ever since I gave them my notice, time has been moving in fucking super slow motion. I hear every second tick in my head.....and the tick and tocks just get louder in my head.

Everything angers me more now in this 'lame duck' work existance I am in. To those who do not know, I am in the Auto industry, trying to sell cars. On Tuesday, this old bag comes in to check out some cars. She has no fucking clue what she wants.....she was probably close to seventy years old, and her husband was another fossil with a cane and a long ZZ Top type beard. She turned to him and said "Howard" (but she pronounced it 'how-wed')"Do we like heated seats? I don't know if we like heated seats. Does little Susie's car have heated seats? I can't remember....maybe I will like it. Do I have to learn how to use it? If it gets too hot, will it burn?" Then the How-wed the fossil replis, "I can't remember if little Susie's car has heated seats. I think her first car had them, but I am not sure....should we call her on the phone?" At that moment. I wanted to take a shotgun and blast both of their heads off. Boom! Headshot! Boom! Headshot!

I do not want to go on a test drive, I do not want to negotiate prices, I do not want to explain how not making your payments makes your credit worse, I do not want to keep explaining how having a bankruptcy and a repo on your credit report is a negative, and I could give a shit if little Susie's car has heated seats.
I hate being a 'lame duck' at work as it has made the final two weeks that much more grueling.....but at least I will not be here on Monday.

Baseball and Titties

Sacopapa reporting for duty. This past Saturday was Sacopapa Juniors first Little League Baseball Game Practice. He was pretty nervous, but over all did great! He was struck out twice, but had a nice save in Center Field. The game ended tied 4 to 4. So not bad for both teams.

I had always heard of Hot Moms going to Little League games and being all horny around all the dads. I thought it was a myth. Apparently not! I was watching little Mojonsita in the playground while I watched Sacopapa Junior from a distance. Out of no where a HOT MOM appeared. She had a sweat suit on, but underneath, she had the body of a goddess. Her Boobs were the size of my head and super small waist with an ass of a Brazilian Volley ball player.

She had her son and her kid started to play with Mojonsita. Fucking awesome, what a way to break the ice! I started talking to her and what a freak. If I was a scumbag, I could have probably hit that in the field. The mom had no shame in her game and I only hope to get digits next time I see her.

Anyway, if you are a Dad and have a son, PLEASE I encourage you to sign them up for Little League and make sure you go to all the games without your Battle Axe, Or as I prefer to call them, Ye Ol' Ball and Chain. You never know what can happen at these games. Until then, Sacopapa out!!

Home and Garden

So with this years tax return I had told my wife we would get a new patio set and Barbeque Grill. Saturday night she says she found the best deal on-line at the Home Depot site and it even had free shipping on the Patio set that we both like (not that my opinion matters), and we will get the grill at a store since it should fit in the SUV.

I say great, I will order the patio set online now, thinking that Home Depot is 5minutes away and Lowes is 10 minutes away I could knock out the Sunday chores in short order tomorrow. Not so fast, Robotman. The Furor orders that we will first we will go to Sears, which at the lame ass mall, the other further away Home Depot, and Lowes. My afternoon plans with the Green Fairy foiled.

So I get up extra early Sunday to make sure I have time for at least a spliff before the sucky Sunday I am about to have. We get to Sears and the place is a ghost town, couldn’t tell you how they are still in business. After like a half hour patio analysis and another 30 minute grill debate. I find a lone employee and find out almost none of the grills are in stock and it will take weeks to order and deliver them. Plus delivery is $65. Exit stage left.

At the faraway Home Depot we found out that the Patio shipping was only free if you ordered online and they didn’t have the BBQ grill we like. After that she had to stop at Ross for some curtain rod nonsense. By this time the spliff effect was long gone and I had a hellish cotton mouth, so while she’s in Ross, I go to pharmacy. I was already done with my drink before I even got the register. Yet another molasses line I had to stand in. After that, a useless trip to Lowes and I was at the breaking point. It’s been like 5 hours and we didn’t accomplish jack shit. Meanwhile I have Fashion Show calling and texting about a ride.

We get home and pick up Fashion Show. My son hasn’t needed rides lately as his girlfriend has her license and car, and by the look of them you would think they were going to a Jim Morrison & Janice Joplin look-alike contest. We drop off Fashion Show, go to Chili’s where I slam 4 Jack and Cokes (all day happy hour!) 2 strawberry daiquiris to chill The Furor and stuff our faces. After that found the BBQ grill we wanted at a great price at the Home Depot close to my house and ordered the Patio online. Oh yeah, and spent like 4 hours that putting the grill together that night. I am the Robotman.

UFC 95 tonight - Freebie

If anyone reads this today, tonight there is free UFC on Spike TV starting at 9PM. Check it out, good shit. And let me tell you why its good shit. On any UFC card, be it pay-per-view or like tonight, (FREEBIE!!) you will see 5 to 6 fights on the televised main card. Additionally, since MMA can be unpredictable, depending on the outcome of the undercard fights (another 4 to 5 fights), you might get to see some additional fights. Good bang for your buck, if you like to watch people kick the shit out of each other. MMA is so unlike boxing, which sucks ass nowadays. On any boxing card, you have like 3 maybe 4 fights. Nobody knows or cares about the undercard or who's fighting in it and these days even the main card sucks. MMA rocks.


I'll give you a quick breakdown on which fights to watch, if you're interested.
#1 - Main event Diego 'The Nightmare" Sanchez vs. Joe "Daddy" Stevenson
in the lightweight division (155 lbs)
The Nightmare is the real deal. This guy is awesome. Great ju-jitsu, good wrestling, superior stamina and vastly improved boxing. I've seen him whoop some serious ass. He's 21 & 2. His 2 losses went the distance and he didn't get his ass kicked in either one. The only thing is he normally fights at welterweight (170lbs) and he's dropping weight, almost 20 lbs.
Joe "Daddy" is a really good lightweight with tons of experience (he's been fighting for like 15 years) who also has really good ju-jitsu, good ground & pound and a nasty guillotine choke. His record is 34-9. One of his drawbacks is he's kind of short, which hurts his boxing. Unfortunately for him, his last 2 fights have been losses where he tapped out to a rear naked choke in both fights. And in both fights, he was fighting top flight guys, the current lightweight champ BJ Penn and the #1 contender to the title, Kenny Florian.
Prediction: The Nightmare by submission sometime in round 3.


#2 - Nate "The Great" Marquardt vs. Wilson Gouveia
The Great is a well rounded fighter who was King of Pancrase 7 times. Pancrase is some mma japanese org that held tournaments and well, the results speak for themselves. The Great is one of the best middleweights in the world. But, he got smoked by the best middleweight in the world, Anderson "The Spider" Silva, a year and a half ago. He is trying to get a rematch.
Wilson Goveia is another well rounded fighter who has a good record and is on a roll since he dropped down in weight from light heavyweight (205lbs). This guy throws bombs and he usually wins that way. His weakness is suspect stamina, which in MMA if you don't have, you will lose. Supposedly, his stamina is up to par now. We'll see tonight. The winner of this fight will be a contender to The Spider's crown.
Prediction: The Great by submission in sometime in round 2


#3 - Damein Maia vs. Chael Sonnen
This is a good match-up. Maia is a ju-jitsu master who has submitted all 5 of his oppenents in the UFC. This guy is a gentlemen but don't get into an MMA ring with him, he'll submit your ass. This is going to be a good test for him.
Chael Sonnen is a guy who fought in the UFC years ago and was let go after going 1-2, I believe. Regardless, in his last 2 fights, he whooped this guy twice who was considered the 2nd best middleweight (Paulo Filho) in the world, although Filho now seems to be a fucking headcase. Sonnens strength is in wrestling and he has trained with the best for years. This is a good fight. The winner of this fight is also going to be considered as a contender to The Spider's crown
Prediction: Maia by submission in round 2.


The other 2 fights are good as well but I don't have time to bore you with the details. But if you're interested, just check it out. Funny, the 3 fights I mentioned here are the 3 fights they're promoting on the UFC website. I know my MMA. I'm stoked. I had the shittiest week at work (which will be my ex-job very soon, future post) and I get to have some free entertainment tonight. Anyway, have a nice weekend bitches. Club 420 beckons and I'm on my 3rd beer..... and its noon. Yeah, baby!!!!

Until next time, peace. I'm out....

The Ten Commandments for Assholes

Every fucking day you go out and there are assholes everywhere. Though many I believe are unintentional, they just don’t know they are assholes. Here are an easy 10 tips to follow to not be such an asshole. (Please picture Chartlon Heston reading aloud)

1. Mind your own business.
This one is paramount and self explanatory.
2. Shut the fuck up.
Silence is golden. You just can’t go wrong if you apply this shining nugget of advice. It goes very well with #1.
3. Do not block public areas ever, for any reason.
This includes by your person, your vehicle, your stuff, your idiocy, whatever. Do not impede others. For example, if you hate abortion, that’s cool just don’t block the fucking sidewalk I am using.
4. Don’t touch anyone ever, without their permission.

One exception.
5. Don’t touch anyone’s stuff ever, without their permission.

One exception.
6. Don’t step on anyone’s property ever, without their permission.
Why take foolish risks.

7. Don’t make loud noise in or near public areas.
Your fucking gay cell phone conversations don’t interest me, fuckface.
8. Control your children in public.
Do whatever you have to do. Lock them in cages in the attic if you can't handle them. I will be following rule #1 if you decide to smack the shit out of them for breaking rules 1-7.
9. Use turn signals and merge properly.
Enough already with the retarded driving.
10. Return things that are lent to you without being reminded by the lender.
Really just a basic courtesy, practiced by so very few.

Hope these tips come in handy, feel free to print them out and put on your fridge and throughout your workplace. I am the Robotman.

The big Snip

Sacopapa reporting for duty. Sorry this story is long but I need to share this. I finally decided to get a Vasectomy and let me tell you, it’s no joke! First I had to take a class with about 20 other guys that wanted their balls snipped right away. The class was given by a little hot Mexican chick which made all the guys giggle when she was talking about getting your balls cut. It was quite cool to see so many other losers in the same category as me. I felt quite comfortable knowing that I wasn’t the only asshole with this crazy cockamania idea. Queen Sheba was told by her doctor that she needed to stop taking the pill as it started affecting her Hormones. Meaning the bitch can turn on a dime! I being the stoner that I am, told her that I would get a Vasectomy.

Me and big mouth, I know better than to talk when I’m stone. I always seem to get in trouble that way. Anyway, I decided to do it as I seem to love to drink, smoke crazy weed and get in the pussy and snuggle up to it like it’s a mink fucking coat.
So the class went on and all the guys had the same question, “How long before I can fuck again?” The little Mexican chick, we’ll call her Ms. Langoria, told everyone that it would take 10 days before you can even punch the clown. Ms. Langoria went on about what drugs you can not take before the procedure. My business partner felt bad for me about this stupid decision in life, so he gave me the day off. So when ever I have the day off, I like to wake up with a nice bowl to start the day. So everyone is asking questions and me (Stony Boloney) asked if you could smoke weed prior to the surgery. It was like you could hear a pin drop in that fucking room. I didn’t give a shit what anybody thought, but there was the one white guy in the corner that gave me the thumbs up and a smile for asking. Ms. Langoria just looked at me like I was a fucking idiot. All she said was to use it in moderation. Didn’t fucking answer my question, probably because it was so fucking dumb to ask, what ever!
The class ended and I was given a packet with info to call back in and schedule the procedure. I took my time doing this as I was not about to set my balls on the chopping table yet.

I called at the end of January as that is when I think I came to the realization that I had to go through with it. So I called and the bitch on the other end tells me that there is only one opening in February. Guess what day? Friday the 13th. Fuck me; I swear to you, that I’m truly cursed in life. I should have been born a Bundy!
Queen Sheba drove me there, since my boys were getting snipped and I needed a ride home. I was a bit nervous but went in anyway. I showed up, received a packet of information to fill out. Waited in the waiting room and then my name was called. I took a deep breath, kissed Queen Sheba and went in. They asked for me to get naked and keep my socks and shoes on. Huh?!! Ok, whatever, so I did. Then had my pressure was taken, it was a bit high as I was nervous. Then they walked over to the operating room and laid me on the bed. There were stirrups where I had to place my legs on, which I did. The room was cold and my balls are just hanging out like Chorizos at a Cuban market. The one nurse told me that someone else would come in prep the boys for the surgery. To my amazement, Ms. Langoria walked in. I’m like, ok this might be cool after all. She didn’t say a fucking word except,” I’ll be applying iodine and this will be really cold” WHOAAHHH!!! That shit was cold and my nuts shrank to the size of Peanuts! Then she taped the head of my cock onto my stomach. At this point, I tried to socialize with the bitch, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. Yet, I asked her if she thought my balls were perfectly shaven. What a fucking moronic thing to say. All she said was,” Yes they are.” When she said that I felt another blast of frozen liquid down my balls and down the crack of my ass. That shit is no joke!! Bitch did it on purpose. She left and said the doctor would be in soon. Here we go, will he walk in with a hockey mask and will he have a bloody machete? Fuck no, he walks in and is a 5 foot 2 Asian Doctor. Oh no, he is going to Sashimi my balls!!! He opens his mouth the Doctor sounds like Charles Fucking Heston. Phew, cool, he was raised in the States. Thank god!

He started his shit and says, “ This will hurt a bit” I immediately gripped the side of the table. AWWWWW, my nuts, my nuts and then the pain just went away. He performed the procedure and it was over in 20 minutes. Ms. Langoria came in cleaned me up and asked if I was ok. Bitch, I just lost my family jewels, what do you think? She smirked as I was leaving the room. Probably gets off on that shit at night. “OOOO, it was so great to see so many nuts get snipped today!!”
I got dressed and walked out of the room, Queen Sheba looked at me like I had lost my best friend. She took me home and I iced my nuts for the next 24 hours. I still have 2 small stitches on my balls which will fall off by the end of the week. The funny part is that I made a huge deal out of it and it was not bad at all. My balls will be ok and now I can fuck Queen Sheba when ever I want. I will save the planet from more Sacopapitas roaming the earth. Amen to that!!

Sacopapa Out!!!

Man decapitates Wife

Massive.

An incredible story....and it's true. I know I have not posted in a while(and this one will be short), but I had to share this story with everyone.

According to CNN, this guy beheaded his wife then went to the police station to confess. The article says his wife filed for divorce on January 6th....he was arrested this past Thursday(in Ochard Park, NY).

Let me point out two more very amusing points about this story. First off this fucking guy is a founder of Bridges TV, an english language cable channel for Muslims living in the USA. The channels purpose: to balance the negative portrayals of Muslims ever since 9/11. Way to lead by example, you fucking wannabe terrorist. I have a gut feeling that was not your first decapitation!

Second, the guy's name is Muzzammil Hassan. We have a guy who slices his wife head off and his name is Hassan, HA ha! You know Hassan, as in "Hassan Chop!!" from the Bugs Bunny cartoon. How fittingly classic. I bet she was bitching about getting divorce papers signed, he could't take it anymore, and screamed "Hassan chop!!", grabbed a sword off the wall, and her head rolled.

Open sasperilla.....open sesawho.....open saschatuwan.....(check 1:18 of linked video, awesome)

Passwords, passwords & more fucking passwords

I realized today that I have like 30 passwords. At least 10 at work and easily 20 at home. Sometimes, I have to use two passwords to get into one program. What sucks is that for every program, there are different reqs.

Your password must be between 6 - 10 characters...

Your password can be no longer than 12 characters & must have a letter...

Your password must be changed in 3 days...

Your password this, your password that...uuuuuggggghhhhh.....

Obviously, we all try to use something we can remember but when one has 10 different passwords in 10 variations, its easy to mix them up. And eventually, even the system you're using rejects the new password because its been used before, its too similiar to the last one or whatever other ridiculous reason for rejection. The worst is when you change your password and a week later, you have to change it again. The irony is that they're supposedly for security purposes but everyone has cheat sheets.

I wonder why?? Hhmmmmmmmmmm.............. Oh, I know.....TOO MANY FUCKING PASSWORDS!!!!!

I am currently using my old D&D character names. Back from the dead is the infamous kick-ass ranger Tobin. Let's see someone figure that shit out. And when they finally do, good luck finding out which website its for. I have no idea. Thats why I have a cheat sheet. All I know is that this password mania is almost like a job in itself. And I already have one sucky job to despise, I don't need another one.

Good luck losing a password. Then you have to call one of these places and deal with shitty customer service (local or international, doesn't matter) and the usual battery of questions: SS#, DOB, address, M/F, Ht, Wt,

gay, straight and the best part....the secret password in case you lost the other password. I'll give you my password............ s-u-c-k-m-y-b-a-l-l-s.....

Here's hoping no one has to change passwords for a while. Well, that's false hope for me. I'm pretty sure I remember one of my 50 work passwords today saying "password must be changed within 4 days."

I think I'm going to hurl. Until next time, peace. I'm out...

Alterego Valentino

Kudos, cheers, and much bravada to Alteregoman for being the only one with the balls to post on Valentine's Day. Though it was still technically the night before and I'm sure he was still a big pussy keeping the significant other happy all day like the rest of our sorry asses . Nonetheless the only one to post on V-Day.

I also send honorable valentine mentions to Queen Succubus, Queen Sheeba, The Hater, The Furor, and all the wives for putting up with us, and without whom this blog would not be possible.

Lord of the Greens

I stopped off at Walgreens yesterday to get some money of all things. As I walked in, the usual fiasco. 3 registers, 1 fajated cashier and 1 long line. I disgustingly made my way to the end of the line. I scoped out the gum section to try and figure out what $1.07 purchase I can make to get $20 cash back. I know. Doublemint gum. For the hot chicks in the commercials.

After about 5 minutes and no progress, I see this Hobbit looking lady to the right of me trying to do the gidge. I am really not in the mood for any shenanigans so I tell her "Hey, this is a line" ... in my get the fuck in the back of the line tone. She looks at me says "thank you" and walks past me....then she says "I'm not blind!!" behind my back.

I didn't turn around because whats the point. But I'm pretty sure if I would have yelled "IMIGRA" that potato-faced bitch would have split with the quickest. And I remember what she looked like because I recalled being startled by her initially and thinking, "Ugghhh, don't touch me".

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I rolled out 15 minutes later and I had to maneuver out of another architectural masterpiece. Since I was pretty grossed out, I roared out of the extremely narrow parking lot, thinking, "I don't give a fuck". I proceeded to weave thru the following traffic:

1) Parked car pulling out

2) Car entering lot

3) Car coming around the bend.

4) 3 pedestrians

Horns blaring, I made it thru unscathed, although one of the pedestrians shot me a glare as he scampered out of the way. "Fuck off geriatrics," I thought. Onward to a rushed lunch and then back to misery. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant work. Unitl next time, peace. I'm out...

Split Ends

I hate getting haircuts. Not just the waste of time that it is but also the annoying social interaction. I wish I had a hairdresser and an auto mechanic in the family. Life would be much easier.

When I was like 13 I started to let my hair grow, as I was getting into metal, it was the style and ending 12 years of hellish trips to the barbershop seemed really cool. Not quite. My mother was on my ass like flies on shit about getting a haircut. So first day of summer before HS after a few weeks of constant nagging I told her I would get a haircut. She even gave me $20 and told me to go to a nice place to get it cut. I went straight to the Cuban Barbershop and got a my head shaved for 3 bucks and purchased 3 nicklebags, 2 slices, and fruit punch with the change. Needless to say my mom never harassed me about my hair again. My drill instructor sure did a few years later.

Nowadays I only get haircuts at lunchtime as I don’t want to waste real time with that nonsense. The Furor started harassing me (talk about full fucking circle) about a haircut few days ago. My company recently moved the offices closer to my home, but away from the salon in Miami with old lady who already knew me and didn’t yap away the entire haircut. The place I go to now is still fucking 20 questions every time and I haven’t found a steady haircut lady. At best, I was hoping to get this one lady as she has nice plastic boobs and cleavage to at least look at while she blabs away.

I get there and the teenage girl at the counter wasn’t too happy that I interrupted her cell phone conversation and I notice Tits is busy. In 5 minutes I get called by a chubby older Nicaraguan lady, “could this be my quiet steady?”, I wonder. After some brief instructions by me, it was non-stop chattering. This lady could now write my biography. Fucking Geraldo couldn’t have pried more information from me. My head was spinning by the end of the haircut. It was in Spanish (which I speak) so it just made it more “radio bemba”-like.

Now for next time who knows what to do, could Nica Lady quiet down since she knows me? Should I just stick to Tits and put up with her blabbing for the view? It could take years of experimentation and posting. Haircuts suck balls and I am the Robotman.

January's Post of Month....a little late.

I was going to award a post of the month at the end of each month....but I forgot so I am taking care of this now. To be clear, I am not using any web analytics(page views, hits, traffic, etc...) to determine this....I will be going with whatever post I think amused us the most.

Our first post of the month goes to:

'Elvis has left the Building' by Sacopapa

Congrats, to Sacopapa. After getting input from numerous readers it seems that both 10 Items or less and The Enabler were also well received but nothing is funnier than reading about Sacopapa's father-in-law trying to cut his own shit with a butter knife....fucking classic.

The Virus

Sacopapa here reporting for duty. What a fucking week. I’m truly blessed with greatness and great prosperity for this year. NOT!!!! Holyshit, I have been battling a fucking Trojan Worm, that made me wipe my fucking laptop clean. When I mean clean, I mean my Hard Drive had to be FDISK and Formatted. If you know about computers, that is like the last fucking resource. Like a fucking crack head looking for crack and has to force himself to suck dick for the Rock! It was one of those fucking viruses that must have come from India or Japan, as it was one of the worst I have ever encountered.
The story begins with me doing taxes on Saturday the 31st and feeling great since Uncle Sam is going to gives us a great return! Anyway, Super bowl weekend comes; we party, drink and eat like the fucking Crump’s! Everything ended a great Note. Steelers Won, no one broke anything at my house. Kids were great. I even got some that night!!
Monday, I powered up my Laptop and get into Outlook immediately. Emails begin to download, everything as usual. I sit with a cup of coffee to wake up and I have to get my stomach to start brewing the Super Bowl shit from hell. The last email that downloaded was from the Treasury Department. The email stated that there were issues placing my Efile on line and that I had to click on the link below in order to correct this problem. I truly believe that God loves me in everyway! Not!!! As soon as I clicked on the link, all my programs started to shut off. I was like a fucking mad man, trying to disconnect my LAN Cable, because I just realized what is happening. The Hamsters in my brain wouldn’t move fast enough for me to unplug the Cable. I’m yelling Holyshit, Holyshit, and Holyshit!! Sacopapa Junior is asking me, why I’m cursing. I can’t answer him because my fucking Cable is stuck and I can’t unplug it. Then the inedible happens, the computer shuts off, all by itself. DAMN!!
I knew then I was fucked, my day would be fucked, tomorrow would be fucked and the rest of the week would be fucked. I look at Sacapapa Junior and he says you shouldn’t have clicked on that Link Daddy. If you could have seen the look on my face when he said that, you would have cracked up till 2010. I was the like the Coyote in the Road Runner Cartoon, right when he is about to fall off a cliff!
All I could say was“You’re right baby, let’s go to school” as I looked up into the ceiling underneath my teeth, I slowly muttered, “Hopefully we won’t fucking crash on the way there”. Took me 4 days to repair the damn thing and I was finally up and running by Friday. Yeah, life sucks when you are a fucking Sacopapa! So now I’m back and ready to rock!

Sacopapa Out!

Some mornings really suck....

These events take place Tuesday between 8:30AM & 10:30 AM.....

Thats my really bad 24 impression.

I forgot to mention in my previous post that my hot water was not working........again. I take scalding hot showers and I really enjoy them. So, a day and a half later, I'm fucking miserable. I do not shower today

(fucking gross!!) and go about my menial early morning ritual of getting ready for work and head out. It's a yucky, dreary rainy morning. Anyway, I survive the daily commute through Death Alley (I-95) and arrive at work.

How come it is that whenever I wear my better shoes, or in this case, my brand new shoes, it's a fucking miserable day. Also take into consideration that I'm parking in the rock pits from hell. As I pull into work, I immediately notice major puddles of water. Great, welcome to your life, new shoes. I do my best to find a dry spot and I proceed to pull into a partially dry space.

Unfortunately for me, I have 14 things I'm carrying with me. Some home owners insurance paperwork, my little duffel bag with 4 water bottles, a magazine and other crap I can't even remember at this point. As I open the car door, I hear something fall. Blloooop!!.....Thats not good," I think....... FUCK!!!! Its my recently purchased, no contract, cell phone. AAGGGHHH!!!! I whip everything in my arms back in the car and step into the puddle (sorry new shoes) and retrieve the cell. For clarification, it was immersed in water for about 5 seconds. At this point, I'm pretty disgusted. I just got this piece of shit phone temporarily until I can get the one I want. And I'm already needing another one??!!! I'm hating life right about now.

I haul ass upstairs, get to my desk and proceed to do a Macgyver and take the cell apart. Amazingly enough, I take it apart competently, dry some shit (I don't know what the fuck I'm doing) and put it back together. Well, long story short, the phone continued to work but I guess the backlight got damaged because I can barely see anything on the phone. I deserve it for being a fucking dickhead in the firt place. To make matters worse, when I call the landlord about the hot water problem, he tells me some bullshit story about how his guy is out of town and it might take a few days to get it fixed because he doesn't really want to call someone out and have to pay them.

If it wasn't for the fact that I've been living in FL. for 12 years, I wouldn't believe the last thing I just wrote. But believe it, that's what he said. It is now 10:30 Am. Since I am at work, I can't just start screaming at the top of my lungs or smashing shit. So, I sit at my desk, with my head buried between my arms, thinking, "This morning officially sucks."

Until next time, peace. I'm out....