My Secret Girlfriend

So I get up the other morning and my cell rings. Queen Succubus tells me, "Hey, your phone was ringing". I think my response was, "I really don't give a shit." Now, understand, I don't want to talk to anyone at 7AM. At 7Am, if I'm getting ready for work, I'm hating life. If my phone rings at 7Am, you'd better be someone I do not know unless you have news that you're coming over with a case of Amstel Light & a 1/2 ounce of good weed. (Emphasis on good, nobody likes smoking dirt). Either way, I proceeded to brush my teeth and continued hating life with a little more disgust than I had initially.

As I got dressed, I chatted with your Highness. By her tone, I could tell she was going to go there. I tried asking her how she slept to try and change the forth coming topic but to no avail. "Who left you a message?" she asked (more like interrogated.) This means she actually shot a glance at my phone to investigate. Thats fucking gross. I could give a flying fuck since I have nothing to hide, but still, fucking lame. I did have a message........ from the day before from a friend about some baby shower. Not a message from my secret girlfriend.

I could list 50 reasons about why she's an idiot just like I'm sure she could make the same case for me. But to avoid not getting any trim this weekend, here are 3 reasons why I'm not lucky enough to have some chick calling me at 7AM:

1) Chicks don't like to get up in the AM hours

(I know this from personal experience)

2) I'm broke (chicks like money, no money no pussy)

3) Women are selfish & self-absorbed. I can guarantee I am the last thing

on any woman's mind first thing in the morning, even Queen Succubus.

I was so pissed off, I rolled out as quickly as possible. Nothing like heading to a job you hate already disgusted by random couple/stupid chick bullshit. Like how lucky would I have to be to have any woman calling me first thing in the morning. Especially my secret girlfriend. I'd be lucky to get tongue, much less circle the bases. All I know is, I'm not married in the technical sense of the word but I'm pretty sure my wife hates me too.....

Slow time & the lame duck

Pink Floyd has this song called Time(off of the Darkside of the Moon Album), the song has a long intro that sounds like a ton of clocks ticking away, getting louder and louder.......while it is a very cool intro, that is the sound I hear everyday in head lately at work.

You see, about a week and half ago I gave notice at my job. And 'by notice' I mean that I told them they can only torture me for another 2 weeks then I am onto (what I hope will be) greener pastures. Needless to say, I have been hating my job for quite a while and every second spent here drags.......but ever since I gave them my notice, time has been moving in fucking super slow motion. I hear every second tick in my head.....and the tick and tocks just get louder in my head.

Everything angers me more now in this 'lame duck' work existance I am in. To those who do not know, I am in the Auto industry, trying to sell cars. On Tuesday, this old bag comes in to check out some cars. She has no fucking clue what she wants.....she was probably close to seventy years old, and her husband was another fossil with a cane and a long ZZ Top type beard. She turned to him and said "Howard" (but she pronounced it 'how-wed')"Do we like heated seats? I don't know if we like heated seats. Does little Susie's car have heated seats? I can't remember....maybe I will like it. Do I have to learn how to use it? If it gets too hot, will it burn?" Then the How-wed the fossil replis, "I can't remember if little Susie's car has heated seats. I think her first car had them, but I am not sure....should we call her on the phone?" At that moment. I wanted to take a shotgun and blast both of their heads off. Boom! Headshot! Boom! Headshot!

I do not want to go on a test drive, I do not want to negotiate prices, I do not want to explain how not making your payments makes your credit worse, I do not want to keep explaining how having a bankruptcy and a repo on your credit report is a negative, and I could give a shit if little Susie's car has heated seats.
I hate being a 'lame duck' at work as it has made the final two weeks that much more grueling.....but at least I will not be here on Monday.

Baseball and Titties

Sacopapa reporting for duty. This past Saturday was Sacopapa Juniors first Little League Baseball Game Practice. He was pretty nervous, but over all did great! He was struck out twice, but had a nice save in Center Field. The game ended tied 4 to 4. So not bad for both teams.

I had always heard of Hot Moms going to Little League games and being all horny around all the dads. I thought it was a myth. Apparently not! I was watching little Mojonsita in the playground while I watched Sacopapa Junior from a distance. Out of no where a HOT MOM appeared. She had a sweat suit on, but underneath, she had the body of a goddess. Her Boobs were the size of my head and super small waist with an ass of a Brazilian Volley ball player.

She had her son and her kid started to play with Mojonsita. Fucking awesome, what a way to break the ice! I started talking to her and what a freak. If I was a scumbag, I could have probably hit that in the field. The mom had no shame in her game and I only hope to get digits next time I see her.

Anyway, if you are a Dad and have a son, PLEASE I encourage you to sign them up for Little League and make sure you go to all the games without your Battle Axe, Or as I prefer to call them, Ye Ol' Ball and Chain. You never know what can happen at these games. Until then, Sacopapa out!!

Home and Garden

So with this years tax return I had told my wife we would get a new patio set and Barbeque Grill. Saturday night she says she found the best deal on-line at the Home Depot site and it even had free shipping on the Patio set that we both like (not that my opinion matters), and we will get the grill at a store since it should fit in the SUV.

I say great, I will order the patio set online now, thinking that Home Depot is 5minutes away and Lowes is 10 minutes away I could knock out the Sunday chores in short order tomorrow. Not so fast, Robotman. The Furor orders that we will first we will go to Sears, which at the lame ass mall, the other further away Home Depot, and Lowes. My afternoon plans with the Green Fairy foiled.

So I get up extra early Sunday to make sure I have time for at least a spliff before the sucky Sunday I am about to have. We get to Sears and the place is a ghost town, couldn’t tell you how they are still in business. After like a half hour patio analysis and another 30 minute grill debate. I find a lone employee and find out almost none of the grills are in stock and it will take weeks to order and deliver them. Plus delivery is $65. Exit stage left.

At the faraway Home Depot we found out that the Patio shipping was only free if you ordered online and they didn’t have the BBQ grill we like. After that she had to stop at Ross for some curtain rod nonsense. By this time the spliff effect was long gone and I had a hellish cotton mouth, so while she’s in Ross, I go to pharmacy. I was already done with my drink before I even got the register. Yet another molasses line I had to stand in. After that, a useless trip to Lowes and I was at the breaking point. It’s been like 5 hours and we didn’t accomplish jack shit. Meanwhile I have Fashion Show calling and texting about a ride.

We get home and pick up Fashion Show. My son hasn’t needed rides lately as his girlfriend has her license and car, and by the look of them you would think they were going to a Jim Morrison & Janice Joplin look-alike contest. We drop off Fashion Show, go to Chili’s where I slam 4 Jack and Cokes (all day happy hour!) 2 strawberry daiquiris to chill The Furor and stuff our faces. After that found the BBQ grill we wanted at a great price at the Home Depot close to my house and ordered the Patio online. Oh yeah, and spent like 4 hours that putting the grill together that night. I am the Robotman.

UFC 95 tonight - Freebie

If anyone reads this today, tonight there is free UFC on Spike TV starting at 9PM. Check it out, good shit. And let me tell you why its good shit. On any UFC card, be it pay-per-view or like tonight, (FREEBIE!!) you will see 5 to 6 fights on the televised main card. Additionally, since MMA can be unpredictable, depending on the outcome of the undercard fights (another 4 to 5 fights), you might get to see some additional fights. Good bang for your buck, if you like to watch people kick the shit out of each other. MMA is so unlike boxing, which sucks ass nowadays. On any boxing card, you have like 3 maybe 4 fights. Nobody knows or cares about the undercard or who's fighting in it and these days even the main card sucks. MMA rocks.


I'll give you a quick breakdown on which fights to watch, if you're interested.
#1 - Main event Diego 'The Nightmare" Sanchez vs. Joe "Daddy" Stevenson
in the lightweight division (155 lbs)
The Nightmare is the real deal. This guy is awesome. Great ju-jitsu, good wrestling, superior stamina and vastly improved boxing. I've seen him whoop some serious ass. He's 21 & 2. His 2 losses went the distance and he didn't get his ass kicked in either one. The only thing is he normally fights at welterweight (170lbs) and he's dropping weight, almost 20 lbs.
Joe "Daddy" is a really good lightweight with tons of experience (he's been fighting for like 15 years) who also has really good ju-jitsu, good ground & pound and a nasty guillotine choke. His record is 34-9. One of his drawbacks is he's kind of short, which hurts his boxing. Unfortunately for him, his last 2 fights have been losses where he tapped out to a rear naked choke in both fights. And in both fights, he was fighting top flight guys, the current lightweight champ BJ Penn and the #1 contender to the title, Kenny Florian.
Prediction: The Nightmare by submission sometime in round 3.


#2 - Nate "The Great" Marquardt vs. Wilson Gouveia
The Great is a well rounded fighter who was King of Pancrase 7 times. Pancrase is some mma japanese org that held tournaments and well, the results speak for themselves. The Great is one of the best middleweights in the world. But, he got smoked by the best middleweight in the world, Anderson "The Spider" Silva, a year and a half ago. He is trying to get a rematch.
Wilson Goveia is another well rounded fighter who has a good record and is on a roll since he dropped down in weight from light heavyweight (205lbs). This guy throws bombs and he usually wins that way. His weakness is suspect stamina, which in MMA if you don't have, you will lose. Supposedly, his stamina is up to par now. We'll see tonight. The winner of this fight will be a contender to The Spider's crown.
Prediction: The Great by submission in sometime in round 2


#3 - Damein Maia vs. Chael Sonnen
This is a good match-up. Maia is a ju-jitsu master who has submitted all 5 of his oppenents in the UFC. This guy is a gentlemen but don't get into an MMA ring with him, he'll submit your ass. This is going to be a good test for him.
Chael Sonnen is a guy who fought in the UFC years ago and was let go after going 1-2, I believe. Regardless, in his last 2 fights, he whooped this guy twice who was considered the 2nd best middleweight (Paulo Filho) in the world, although Filho now seems to be a fucking headcase. Sonnens strength is in wrestling and he has trained with the best for years. This is a good fight. The winner of this fight is also going to be considered as a contender to The Spider's crown
Prediction: Maia by submission in round 2.


The other 2 fights are good as well but I don't have time to bore you with the details. But if you're interested, just check it out. Funny, the 3 fights I mentioned here are the 3 fights they're promoting on the UFC website. I know my MMA. I'm stoked. I had the shittiest week at work (which will be my ex-job very soon, future post) and I get to have some free entertainment tonight. Anyway, have a nice weekend bitches. Club 420 beckons and I'm on my 3rd beer..... and its noon. Yeah, baby!!!!

Until next time, peace. I'm out....

The Ten Commandments for Assholes

Every fucking day you go out and there are assholes everywhere. Though many I believe are unintentional, they just don’t know they are assholes. Here are an easy 10 tips to follow to not be such an asshole. (Please picture Chartlon Heston reading aloud)

1. Mind your own business.
This one is paramount and self explanatory.
2. Shut the fuck up.
Silence is golden. You just can’t go wrong if you apply this shining nugget of advice. It goes very well with #1.
3. Do not block public areas ever, for any reason.
This includes by your person, your vehicle, your stuff, your idiocy, whatever. Do not impede others. For example, if you hate abortion, that’s cool just don’t block the fucking sidewalk I am using.
4. Don’t touch anyone ever, without their permission.

One exception.
5. Don’t touch anyone’s stuff ever, without their permission.

One exception.
6. Don’t step on anyone’s property ever, without their permission.
Why take foolish risks.

7. Don’t make loud noise in or near public areas.
Your fucking gay cell phone conversations don’t interest me, fuckface.
8. Control your children in public.
Do whatever you have to do. Lock them in cages in the attic if you can't handle them. I will be following rule #1 if you decide to smack the shit out of them for breaking rules 1-7.
9. Use turn signals and merge properly.
Enough already with the retarded driving.
10. Return things that are lent to you without being reminded by the lender.
Really just a basic courtesy, practiced by so very few.

Hope these tips come in handy, feel free to print them out and put on your fridge and throughout your workplace. I am the Robotman.

The big Snip

Sacopapa reporting for duty. Sorry this story is long but I need to share this. I finally decided to get a Vasectomy and let me tell you, it’s no joke! First I had to take a class with about 20 other guys that wanted their balls snipped right away. The class was given by a little hot Mexican chick which made all the guys giggle when she was talking about getting your balls cut. It was quite cool to see so many other losers in the same category as me. I felt quite comfortable knowing that I wasn’t the only asshole with this crazy cockamania idea. Queen Sheba was told by her doctor that she needed to stop taking the pill as it started affecting her Hormones. Meaning the bitch can turn on a dime! I being the stoner that I am, told her that I would get a Vasectomy.

Me and big mouth, I know better than to talk when I’m stone. I always seem to get in trouble that way. Anyway, I decided to do it as I seem to love to drink, smoke crazy weed and get in the pussy and snuggle up to it like it’s a mink fucking coat.
So the class went on and all the guys had the same question, “How long before I can fuck again?” The little Mexican chick, we’ll call her Ms. Langoria, told everyone that it would take 10 days before you can even punch the clown. Ms. Langoria went on about what drugs you can not take before the procedure. My business partner felt bad for me about this stupid decision in life, so he gave me the day off. So when ever I have the day off, I like to wake up with a nice bowl to start the day. So everyone is asking questions and me (Stony Boloney) asked if you could smoke weed prior to the surgery. It was like you could hear a pin drop in that fucking room. I didn’t give a shit what anybody thought, but there was the one white guy in the corner that gave me the thumbs up and a smile for asking. Ms. Langoria just looked at me like I was a fucking idiot. All she said was to use it in moderation. Didn’t fucking answer my question, probably because it was so fucking dumb to ask, what ever!
The class ended and I was given a packet with info to call back in and schedule the procedure. I took my time doing this as I was not about to set my balls on the chopping table yet.

I called at the end of January as that is when I think I came to the realization that I had to go through with it. So I called and the bitch on the other end tells me that there is only one opening in February. Guess what day? Friday the 13th. Fuck me; I swear to you, that I’m truly cursed in life. I should have been born a Bundy!
Queen Sheba drove me there, since my boys were getting snipped and I needed a ride home. I was a bit nervous but went in anyway. I showed up, received a packet of information to fill out. Waited in the waiting room and then my name was called. I took a deep breath, kissed Queen Sheba and went in. They asked for me to get naked and keep my socks and shoes on. Huh?!! Ok, whatever, so I did. Then had my pressure was taken, it was a bit high as I was nervous. Then they walked over to the operating room and laid me on the bed. There were stirrups where I had to place my legs on, which I did. The room was cold and my balls are just hanging out like Chorizos at a Cuban market. The one nurse told me that someone else would come in prep the boys for the surgery. To my amazement, Ms. Langoria walked in. I’m like, ok this might be cool after all. She didn’t say a fucking word except,” I’ll be applying iodine and this will be really cold” WHOAAHHH!!! That shit was cold and my nuts shrank to the size of Peanuts! Then she taped the head of my cock onto my stomach. At this point, I tried to socialize with the bitch, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. Yet, I asked her if she thought my balls were perfectly shaven. What a fucking moronic thing to say. All she said was,” Yes they are.” When she said that I felt another blast of frozen liquid down my balls and down the crack of my ass. That shit is no joke!! Bitch did it on purpose. She left and said the doctor would be in soon. Here we go, will he walk in with a hockey mask and will he have a bloody machete? Fuck no, he walks in and is a 5 foot 2 Asian Doctor. Oh no, he is going to Sashimi my balls!!! He opens his mouth the Doctor sounds like Charles Fucking Heston. Phew, cool, he was raised in the States. Thank god!

He started his shit and says, “ This will hurt a bit” I immediately gripped the side of the table. AWWWWW, my nuts, my nuts and then the pain just went away. He performed the procedure and it was over in 20 minutes. Ms. Langoria came in cleaned me up and asked if I was ok. Bitch, I just lost my family jewels, what do you think? She smirked as I was leaving the room. Probably gets off on that shit at night. “OOOO, it was so great to see so many nuts get snipped today!!”
I got dressed and walked out of the room, Queen Sheba looked at me like I had lost my best friend. She took me home and I iced my nuts for the next 24 hours. I still have 2 small stitches on my balls which will fall off by the end of the week. The funny part is that I made a huge deal out of it and it was not bad at all. My balls will be ok and now I can fuck Queen Sheba when ever I want. I will save the planet from more Sacopapitas roaming the earth. Amen to that!!

Sacopapa Out!!!

Man decapitates Wife

Massive.

An incredible story....and it's true. I know I have not posted in a while(and this one will be short), but I had to share this story with everyone.

According to CNN, this guy beheaded his wife then went to the police station to confess. The article says his wife filed for divorce on January 6th....he was arrested this past Thursday(in Ochard Park, NY).

Let me point out two more very amusing points about this story. First off this fucking guy is a founder of Bridges TV, an english language cable channel for Muslims living in the USA. The channels purpose: to balance the negative portrayals of Muslims ever since 9/11. Way to lead by example, you fucking wannabe terrorist. I have a gut feeling that was not your first decapitation!

Second, the guy's name is Muzzammil Hassan. We have a guy who slices his wife head off and his name is Hassan, HA ha! You know Hassan, as in "Hassan Chop!!" from the Bugs Bunny cartoon. How fittingly classic. I bet she was bitching about getting divorce papers signed, he could't take it anymore, and screamed "Hassan chop!!", grabbed a sword off the wall, and her head rolled.

Open sasperilla.....open sesawho.....open saschatuwan.....(check 1:18 of linked video, awesome)

Passwords, passwords & more fucking passwords

I realized today that I have like 30 passwords. At least 10 at work and easily 20 at home. Sometimes, I have to use two passwords to get into one program. What sucks is that for every program, there are different reqs.

Your password must be between 6 - 10 characters...

Your password can be no longer than 12 characters & must have a letter...

Your password must be changed in 3 days...

Your password this, your password that...uuuuuggggghhhhh.....

Obviously, we all try to use something we can remember but when one has 10 different passwords in 10 variations, its easy to mix them up. And eventually, even the system you're using rejects the new password because its been used before, its too similiar to the last one or whatever other ridiculous reason for rejection. The worst is when you change your password and a week later, you have to change it again. The irony is that they're supposedly for security purposes but everyone has cheat sheets.

I wonder why?? Hhmmmmmmmmmm.............. Oh, I know.....TOO MANY FUCKING PASSWORDS!!!!!

I am currently using my old D&D character names. Back from the dead is the infamous kick-ass ranger Tobin. Let's see someone figure that shit out. And when they finally do, good luck finding out which website its for. I have no idea. Thats why I have a cheat sheet. All I know is that this password mania is almost like a job in itself. And I already have one sucky job to despise, I don't need another one.

Good luck losing a password. Then you have to call one of these places and deal with shitty customer service (local or international, doesn't matter) and the usual battery of questions: SS#, DOB, address, M/F, Ht, Wt,

gay, straight and the best part....the secret password in case you lost the other password. I'll give you my password............ s-u-c-k-m-y-b-a-l-l-s.....

Here's hoping no one has to change passwords for a while. Well, that's false hope for me. I'm pretty sure I remember one of my 50 work passwords today saying "password must be changed within 4 days."

I think I'm going to hurl. Until next time, peace. I'm out...

Alterego Valentino

Kudos, cheers, and much bravada to Alteregoman for being the only one with the balls to post on Valentine's Day. Though it was still technically the night before and I'm sure he was still a big pussy keeping the significant other happy all day like the rest of our sorry asses . Nonetheless the only one to post on V-Day.

I also send honorable valentine mentions to Queen Succubus, Queen Sheeba, The Hater, The Furor, and all the wives for putting up with us, and without whom this blog would not be possible.

Lord of the Greens

I stopped off at Walgreens yesterday to get some money of all things. As I walked in, the usual fiasco. 3 registers, 1 fajated cashier and 1 long line. I disgustingly made my way to the end of the line. I scoped out the gum section to try and figure out what $1.07 purchase I can make to get $20 cash back. I know. Doublemint gum. For the hot chicks in the commercials.

After about 5 minutes and no progress, I see this Hobbit looking lady to the right of me trying to do the gidge. I am really not in the mood for any shenanigans so I tell her "Hey, this is a line" ... in my get the fuck in the back of the line tone. She looks at me says "thank you" and walks past me....then she says "I'm not blind!!" behind my back.

I didn't turn around because whats the point. But I'm pretty sure if I would have yelled "IMIGRA" that potato-faced bitch would have split with the quickest. And I remember what she looked like because I recalled being startled by her initially and thinking, "Ugghhh, don't touch me".

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I rolled out 15 minutes later and I had to maneuver out of another architectural masterpiece. Since I was pretty grossed out, I roared out of the extremely narrow parking lot, thinking, "I don't give a fuck". I proceeded to weave thru the following traffic:

1) Parked car pulling out

2) Car entering lot

3) Car coming around the bend.

4) 3 pedestrians

Horns blaring, I made it thru unscathed, although one of the pedestrians shot me a glare as he scampered out of the way. "Fuck off geriatrics," I thought. Onward to a rushed lunch and then back to misery. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant work. Unitl next time, peace. I'm out...

Split Ends

I hate getting haircuts. Not just the waste of time that it is but also the annoying social interaction. I wish I had a hairdresser and an auto mechanic in the family. Life would be much easier.

When I was like 13 I started to let my hair grow, as I was getting into metal, it was the style and ending 12 years of hellish trips to the barbershop seemed really cool. Not quite. My mother was on my ass like flies on shit about getting a haircut. So first day of summer before HS after a few weeks of constant nagging I told her I would get a haircut. She even gave me $20 and told me to go to a nice place to get it cut. I went straight to the Cuban Barbershop and got a my head shaved for 3 bucks and purchased 3 nicklebags, 2 slices, and fruit punch with the change. Needless to say my mom never harassed me about my hair again. My drill instructor sure did a few years later.

Nowadays I only get haircuts at lunchtime as I don’t want to waste real time with that nonsense. The Furor started harassing me (talk about full fucking circle) about a haircut few days ago. My company recently moved the offices closer to my home, but away from the salon in Miami with old lady who already knew me and didn’t yap away the entire haircut. The place I go to now is still fucking 20 questions every time and I haven’t found a steady haircut lady. At best, I was hoping to get this one lady as she has nice plastic boobs and cleavage to at least look at while she blabs away.

I get there and the teenage girl at the counter wasn’t too happy that I interrupted her cell phone conversation and I notice Tits is busy. In 5 minutes I get called by a chubby older Nicaraguan lady, “could this be my quiet steady?”, I wonder. After some brief instructions by me, it was non-stop chattering. This lady could now write my biography. Fucking Geraldo couldn’t have pried more information from me. My head was spinning by the end of the haircut. It was in Spanish (which I speak) so it just made it more “radio bemba”-like.

Now for next time who knows what to do, could Nica Lady quiet down since she knows me? Should I just stick to Tits and put up with her blabbing for the view? It could take years of experimentation and posting. Haircuts suck balls and I am the Robotman.

January's Post of Month....a little late.

I was going to award a post of the month at the end of each month....but I forgot so I am taking care of this now. To be clear, I am not using any web analytics(page views, hits, traffic, etc...) to determine this....I will be going with whatever post I think amused us the most.

Our first post of the month goes to:

'Elvis has left the Building' by Sacopapa

Congrats, to Sacopapa. After getting input from numerous readers it seems that both 10 Items or less and The Enabler were also well received but nothing is funnier than reading about Sacopapa's father-in-law trying to cut his own shit with a butter knife....fucking classic.

The Virus

Sacopapa here reporting for duty. What a fucking week. I’m truly blessed with greatness and great prosperity for this year. NOT!!!! Holyshit, I have been battling a fucking Trojan Worm, that made me wipe my fucking laptop clean. When I mean clean, I mean my Hard Drive had to be FDISK and Formatted. If you know about computers, that is like the last fucking resource. Like a fucking crack head looking for crack and has to force himself to suck dick for the Rock! It was one of those fucking viruses that must have come from India or Japan, as it was one of the worst I have ever encountered.
The story begins with me doing taxes on Saturday the 31st and feeling great since Uncle Sam is going to gives us a great return! Anyway, Super bowl weekend comes; we party, drink and eat like the fucking Crump’s! Everything ended a great Note. Steelers Won, no one broke anything at my house. Kids were great. I even got some that night!!
Monday, I powered up my Laptop and get into Outlook immediately. Emails begin to download, everything as usual. I sit with a cup of coffee to wake up and I have to get my stomach to start brewing the Super Bowl shit from hell. The last email that downloaded was from the Treasury Department. The email stated that there were issues placing my Efile on line and that I had to click on the link below in order to correct this problem. I truly believe that God loves me in everyway! Not!!! As soon as I clicked on the link, all my programs started to shut off. I was like a fucking mad man, trying to disconnect my LAN Cable, because I just realized what is happening. The Hamsters in my brain wouldn’t move fast enough for me to unplug the Cable. I’m yelling Holyshit, Holyshit, and Holyshit!! Sacopapa Junior is asking me, why I’m cursing. I can’t answer him because my fucking Cable is stuck and I can’t unplug it. Then the inedible happens, the computer shuts off, all by itself. DAMN!!
I knew then I was fucked, my day would be fucked, tomorrow would be fucked and the rest of the week would be fucked. I look at Sacapapa Junior and he says you shouldn’t have clicked on that Link Daddy. If you could have seen the look on my face when he said that, you would have cracked up till 2010. I was the like the Coyote in the Road Runner Cartoon, right when he is about to fall off a cliff!
All I could say was“You’re right baby, let’s go to school” as I looked up into the ceiling underneath my teeth, I slowly muttered, “Hopefully we won’t fucking crash on the way there”. Took me 4 days to repair the damn thing and I was finally up and running by Friday. Yeah, life sucks when you are a fucking Sacopapa! So now I’m back and ready to rock!

Sacopapa Out!

Some mornings really suck....

These events take place Tuesday between 8:30AM & 10:30 AM.....

Thats my really bad 24 impression.

I forgot to mention in my previous post that my hot water was not working........again. I take scalding hot showers and I really enjoy them. So, a day and a half later, I'm fucking miserable. I do not shower today

(fucking gross!!) and go about my menial early morning ritual of getting ready for work and head out. It's a yucky, dreary rainy morning. Anyway, I survive the daily commute through Death Alley (I-95) and arrive at work.

How come it is that whenever I wear my better shoes, or in this case, my brand new shoes, it's a fucking miserable day. Also take into consideration that I'm parking in the rock pits from hell. As I pull into work, I immediately notice major puddles of water. Great, welcome to your life, new shoes. I do my best to find a dry spot and I proceed to pull into a partially dry space.

Unfortunately for me, I have 14 things I'm carrying with me. Some home owners insurance paperwork, my little duffel bag with 4 water bottles, a magazine and other crap I can't even remember at this point. As I open the car door, I hear something fall. Blloooop!!.....Thats not good," I think....... FUCK!!!! Its my recently purchased, no contract, cell phone. AAGGGHHH!!!! I whip everything in my arms back in the car and step into the puddle (sorry new shoes) and retrieve the cell. For clarification, it was immersed in water for about 5 seconds. At this point, I'm pretty disgusted. I just got this piece of shit phone temporarily until I can get the one I want. And I'm already needing another one??!!! I'm hating life right about now.

I haul ass upstairs, get to my desk and proceed to do a Macgyver and take the cell apart. Amazingly enough, I take it apart competently, dry some shit (I don't know what the fuck I'm doing) and put it back together. Well, long story short, the phone continued to work but I guess the backlight got damaged because I can barely see anything on the phone. I deserve it for being a fucking dickhead in the firt place. To make matters worse, when I call the landlord about the hot water problem, he tells me some bullshit story about how his guy is out of town and it might take a few days to get it fixed because he doesn't really want to call someone out and have to pay them.

If it wasn't for the fact that I've been living in FL. for 12 years, I wouldn't believe the last thing I just wrote. But believe it, that's what he said. It is now 10:30 Am. Since I am at work, I can't just start screaming at the top of my lungs or smashing shit. So, I sit at my desk, with my head buried between my arms, thinking, "This morning officially sucks."

Until next time, peace. I'm out....

Hooking up with Erin Andrews

So the other morning as I left my house for work, Erin Andrews(you know, the reporter chick from ESPN that covers lots of college sports), pulled up and asked me if I would help her research a special report on College Tailgating. She then asked if I would be available for some candle light dinner afterwards.....

wait.....that wasn't exactly how my morning went, let me adjust it slightly:

So this morning I need to wake up at 7:15am, but my wife would like the alarm set for 6:30 as she would like to get to work earlier than normal. Fine. I set the alarm for 6:30, at 7:15 I get out of bed as I have been hitting the snooze since 6:30 for my wife who is still in bed----the final precious 45 minutes of sleep were ruined.

Shower time: all is normal as I get out of the shower to dry myself. Then it happens......the urge to take a massive shit takes over my body. While I know that taking a dump can be quite the relief, there are few things I hate more than taking a shit immediately after a shower. Fuck! And I knew it wasn't a 'healthy shit' if you know what I mean--I knew this shit was gonna come out at speeds that would rival a Nolan Ryan fastball. I obviously could not fight it, so on to the bowl I sat.

So I get my 10 month old son together, drop him off at the in-laws, and head out to work. While driving to work my wife calls me with no real purpose(she may have mentioned that she was in traffic, I can't really remember right now). Then it happened. Flashing lights behind me, a fucking cop is pulling me over. I quickly hang up the phone and get my paperwork ready before the cop gets to my window. The cop says to me, "Do you know why I am pulling you over? Speaking on a cell phone is a primary offense in New Jersey." He never gave me a chance to answer his initial question. Why fucking ask me if I knew I knew why he was pulling me over, if you are going to not let me answer, dickhead. I hand him my paperwork and he goes to his car to write me up a ticket, not for a second did I think he was gonna give me a break. He comes back, explains how I can mail in the fine and he goes on his merry way. Not a single word from me in the entire process. So at least I can get pissed at my wife for calling me right? Wrong again. She has mentioned to me to get in the habit of using my cell's speakerphone--so I can't even unleash on her as she will have the ammo to strike back.

I get to work and I want to quickly get on my pc to find out how much the ticket will be. One of my co-workers has switched my pc's wallpaper to this, the fucking guy thinks he is a comedian. There he was trying to goof on my Cuban background......but I did find it funny. So at least I had a smile on my face when I found out the ticket would be for a whopping $133!

Then at work shit went horrible....but let's just say I should have gone to help research the College Tailgating Report.

Lost In Space

One thing I can’t complain about with The Furor is neatness. She is a female Felix Unger and just the cleanest and neatest person I know. Everything in plastic boxes, baggies, and put away. All is very nice, neat and organized.

The problem is a lot of times when she cleans she reorganizes and I don’t know where anything is afterwards. I have to be fucking Sherlock Holmes and try to figure out where the shit is if she is not around. The other day she wasn’t home I needed to open a bottle of wine and couldn’t find the opener. For some reason she wouldn’t answer the cell phone so it took me a half hour to open the bottle with a couple of knives and I ended up with a cut finger and half the cork fallen in the bottle.

Last weekend I had to take a bath, and noticed the soap was spent, and couldn’t find where the new damned bars of soap have been secured. The Furor was with Fashion Show at the hairdresser, so I call them and my daughter answers. She ends up asking The Furor in front of the whole salon. Later when I went to Beauty Salon to pick up Fashion Show I found I was the joke of the day at fag central. It was so funny I forgot to laugh.

Of course I can’t complain because then I’ll get, “what, you don’t want me to clean!?” and that is one path not even Indiana Jones would dare go down.

I’ve been holding a shit as I write this and guess what? I know we have toilet paper and baby wipes as I recently purchased a freight train full of both at Costco. Now my choices are, look for them and possibly shit my pants, call her at her friend’s house so they can all have a good laugh, clean my ass with paper towels, or clean my ass in the shower. Stay tuned for an ass cleaning update. I am the Robotman.

Super bowl weekend & my state of the art TVs

In the words of Sacopapa, Alteregoman reporting for duty. I haven't had a chance to post anything because I barely have time (a future post for sure) to wipe my ass, much less sit down and string together some coherent thoughts.

This past weekend I was celebrating my birthday. Fortunately for me, the best present I ever could've received came courtesy of the UFC. A massive mma (mixed martial arts) event Sat. night pitting champion vs. champion. Georges St. Pierre (welterweight champ) vs. BJ Penn (lightweight champ). For anyone who likes hand to hand combat between 2 people, this is the sport of the future. And I love it. I wish this would have come about when I was younger and you would have seen me whooping people's asses. Anyway, to make a long store short, St. Pierre demolished BJ Penn in 4 rounds to remain the #1 welterweight in the world. Awesome, awesome shit and an even better birthday present.

So Sunday came around and it was football time. I'm not really a big football fan anymore but I'm always down to drink mass quantities of beer while watching any good sports event (except soccer, thats not a real American sport). And the Steelers were my old team from back in the day. By the way, the Cardinals lost that game at halftime when they let a 250lb linebacker run 100 yards without taking him down. Terrible display of tackling. I think they had 5 or 6 shots at the guy.

Now came the fun part for me. On top of my state of the art computers, I also had some state of the art TVs. I used to have 3, all tubes. Funny enough, just like my current prehistoric computer, one of the TV's got to the point where it had to warm up before it started working too. It finally died like a day before the move. Even I had to laugh at that shit. Nonetheless, I am now down to two TVs. Why am I bringing this up, pray tell??

About 2 weeks ago, I woke up on the couch like at 3AM. I sleep with the TV on so when I woke up, I noticed something awry. I tried to change the channel and couldn't. Great, the fucking TIVO wasn't working. But since it was 3 in the fucking morning and I had to go to work in a few hours, (Yuck!!), I just said to myself, "I'll deal with it tomorrow." Still, I was fucking annoyed as I went to bed. Next day rolled around and I investigated the problem. After about 5 minutes of looking at wires thinking, "I'm fucked". I looked at the back of the TV set. I didn't realize it but the cable wasn't connected to the TV set. And thats where shit got gross. It wasn't disconnected, the adapter from the TV set was ripped out. It was still connected to the cable. The back of the TV had a hole in it. Great. One of my only sources of enjoyment was now being threatened. Curse the Gods!!!

To make a long story short, I handled it the same way the old mgmt co of where I used to live handled shit.........I jimmyrigged it. Its comical too because I didn't use tape or anything. I managed to jam the fucking cable cord back in the hole, making contact with whatever the fuck broke off on the inside. Guahiro style, once again. And thats how it was for 2 weeks. There was even a point last week where for a few days, you would walk around the apt and it would cause the TV to lose reception and/or get the snowy picture effect. I kid you not. You can't make this shit up. Thank the Gods (the same ones I was just cursing out before) that nothing happened during the UFC fights. But, I can't say the same for the SuperBowl.

Right as I go to sit down to watch the second half, BAM!!! Snowy picture. "Unfucking real, this is not happening," I thought. And the game was actually exciting in the first half. So I get about to fixing this horrible change of events. Yeah, right!!! After fighting life for about 10 - 15 minutes, I gave up. You have to understand. I was trying to jam some broken cord into the back of a TV set behind this wall unit, contorting myself like some fucking pretzel, trying not to get electrocuted. I even had to get Queen Succubus involved because I'm not Plastic Man and I could't see if what I was doing was even making a difference. On a frustration scale of 1-10, I was a 15.

Like I said, I gave up. I just couldn't deal. With some help, I managed to remove the TV from the stand and staggered a few feet (with this 36-inch monster, mind you). Great, now there's a beautiful art deco piece in the living room. I proceeded to get my last TV, the 27-incher, hooked it up and finished watching the SuperBowl. Awesome game, not so awesome view. Some people say I should be happy I even have a TV. I say fuck off.

Until next time, peace. I'm out........

Stupid Bowl Post Game

Just a quick update on the Superbowl Pool.

Had James Harrison been tackled after his interception I would have won the halftime prize. Seems nobody taught Kurt Warner how to tackle. Damn. $250 in and out of my pocket.

The halftime winner was the Vietnam Vet/NRA guy. He was pretty happy so this should stay the execution of most of the office for another week or so. The final score winner was a decent enough Japanese guy who has no clue and didn’t even watch the game. He was quite happy.

I made sure to announce it in the break room and made sure wire transfer lady was there to hear us carrying on about the game and the pool. She got her coffee and left the break room with a stupid look on her face.Gambler boy wants me to do another one for the weak-ass Pro-bowl, but I told him no dice.

Well, that’s all for now, I have to call my company's new insurance carrier about some ID card errors and I’m already smelling a future post with those jackasses. I am the Robotman.